I thought this was pretty good, but...
the two male characters sound too much the same... one needs to go higher or lower (but only one and not by more than a note or two).
narrator needs to be less throaty... good voice without going for that (although it might have been the result of the mixing, not sure that it was though)
both males need to work on pronouncing their "n"s, especially when an "m" is close in the copy (there was one word... "manage" I think, that really showed it).
the girl was pretty good... the guys were too, but work on that and it'd be pretty sweet
BTW: Edwyn needs to get more excited when he goes into the "awww YEAH!" mode. I think that a bit more energy would really surprise the listener in a good way. It's almost as though this character is also part of the person's intellect... so don't be afraid to get outrageous
All in all, a nice little piece, but try working on those little items and listen to the difference it makes.
*ducks for cover*