When boredom strikes me, I start getting random ideas/thoughts in my head. At which point....this happens. One of the random scripts I made for an Abridged series.
Ouran Abridged Ep. 1
Tamaki: Amazingly handsome men who glisten simply by being alive, and mildly okay-looking girls who fangirl about said men. That is Twilight- I mean Ouran Academy. In that academy, is the Host Club. A group of young men from Ouran who decided to make it their hobby to cause schoolgirls to fangasm. And they get paid for it. ......waaait.
(Abridged Opening ~ Sakura Kiss
Haruhi: So how’s heaven, mom? And by heaven I mean the place you moved to escape from dad since he started being a tranny. An old music room? Well I guess this is a good place to write in peace. –Opens the door-
Byakuya: Scatter, Senbonsakura…
Haruhi: OH MY GOD I WALKED INTO BLEACH- oh no wait, just a bunch of hot guys.........crap, it IS Bleach ...a bunch of overly sexy and homoerotic males gathered in one spot? ...seems safe enough
Hikaru and Kaoru: Oh look, ANOTHER guy.
Kyoya: That makes the 6th one today. You guys know what to do
Tamaki: My good sir, I am called Prince Tamaki! And we will now be raping you!
Haruhi: ...aren't you that gay european prince?
Tamaki: Yes, I'm that gay euro- WHAT? I AM BY NO MEANS EUROPEAN, YOU PEASANT
Haruhi: And he doesn't deny the 'gay' part?
Tamaki: THAT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE. NOW, TO COMMENCE THE RAPING
Kyoya: Wait! You can’t rape him…he’s a commoner! His poor genes might wipe off on us.
Tamaki: THAT'S WHAT A COMMONER LOOKS LIKE?! He looks so...poor...
Haruhi: -Thinks- Snobbish rich people....
Tamaki: Anyways, welcome to the Host Club. I am Vic Mignona, the prince!
Haruhi: Aren't you that gay European prince??
Tamaki: Yes, the gay european-WHAT?! NO!!! I AM 100% STRAIGHT! Boys, I changed my mind. We’ll rape him regardless of his poor genes!
Haruhi: Yeah? Well I’ll break your vase while shaking uncontrollably!
Tamaki: And now you're our slave
Haruhi: *thinks*...come to think of it, breaking a priceless vase belonging top rich people was probably NOT one of my most clever moves…
-Host Club is open for business-
Random Girls: So the Host Club has a slave now??
Tamaki: Indeed we do. He’s quite weird, and has a tendency to cosplays as a garbage can…but I’m sure he won’t prove too troublesome.
Haruhi: I made instant coffee
Tamaki: Instant what?!
Haruhi: Instant COFFEE
Tamaki: …are you a wizard? No…wait, I think I remember reading about this instant coffee. It’s something commoners get every week from their job!
Haruhi: That would be a paycheck
Tamaki: I WILL TRY THIS CHECKPAY
Haruhi: It’s paychec- I mean coffee…
Tamaki: And I am Vic Mignona! So be quiet and make it, Host Club slave.
Haruhi: -Thinks- Must resists putting poison in the coffee…must…resist.
Princess Chick: I would think we would notice if someone put poison in the coffee, huh?
Haruhi: *awkward silence* ….mental note: avoid this girl at all costs
Tamaki: Now, let us begin the drinking! Who wants to be the first victim- I mean, taste-tester?
1st one – I’m not sure about this…
2nd one – I’m afraid my dad will chain me up again if I drink this…
Tamaki: Just for that, you’re goin first.
Haruhi: -sighs- Why am I even here??
Honey: -yawns- Sorry everyone. I just woke up from a nap.
Mori: Yeah…it wasn’t pleasant.
-insert Bunny cloud explosion-
Mori: And I had to clean up the mess.
Honey: So, ladies, do you have any cake?
Random Girls: We don’t actually…
Honey: I’m afraid I didn’t say it clearly enough….do…you…have…cake?
Random Girls: We told you we don’t
*freeze-frame on Honey’s smile*
Mori: Ah, I remember last time Honey was like this. Poor Japanese people.
Haruhi: Wait what?
Honey: Haru-chaaaan, I’m going to go get my katana and assassination knife. Can you hold Oussa-chan for a bit? -pulls Oussa-chan out-
Oussa-Chan: -pedo voice- howdy, girlie…
Haruhi: Umm….did it just talk to m-?
Haruhi: But I-
Oussa-Chan: Be sure to leave your window open tonight, girly.
Haruhi: I’ll be sure to lock it really tight.
Honey: Take good care of him!
Oussa-Chan: So, girly…wanna see MY funny bunn-
Haruhi: Be quiet or I’ll have Tamaki hold you
Oussa-Chan - oh god please no
Haruhi: KYOYA! Do you just appear out of no where?
Kyoya: Think of me as Batman….except…nothing like Batman
Tamaki: I'm behind you now~ -blows on Haruhi's neck-
Haruhi: AHHH!! Great, now I’m surrounded by the two creepy ones.
Tamaki: We are not creepy at all, dear Haruhi~ My theme song shall prove it!~
*screen pops up saying “one listening of “Guilty Beauty Love” later”*
Haruhi: …that just makes me think you’re not only creepy, but a self-absorbed egomaniac as well. I mean that in the most offensive way possible, of course.
-Tamaki starts being sad-
Hikaru: Ouch, talk about harsh.
Kaoru: Yeah! Can’t believe we never thought of that. Nice goin, poor guy.
Haruhi: Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll find a better way to insult him later today.
Tamaki: -gets up- I recover quickly like this, cause I'm Vic Mignogna. But…I see you have cold, calculating, words that sting the very heart of a person! That is exactly what Hosts Clubs are about! So we’re going to make you a host!
Haruhi: Wait, aren’t Host Clubs supposed to be about handsome guys entertaining girls?
Tamaki: Silly commoner, you have much to learn about this world.
-5 DAYS LATER-
Haruhi: -walks out in the Host uniform- OK, do I look OK like this?
Tamaki: WONDERFUL! Except you took 5 days to change
Haruhi: Oh, I was thinking of the best way to hide my cleavage
Tamaki: Your what?
-Haruhi's 1st Day on the Job-
Haruhi: -thinks- What do I say??
Random Girls: Haruhi…you’re so cute. Almost like a girl.
Haruhi: -thinks- they’re onto me….gotta be discreet…ummm…
Haruhi: Twilight sucks! -thinks- perfect!
Tamaki: Spying is greeeat~ And totally not severely frowned upon in our society!
Princess Chick: VIC! Stop looking at everyone and entertain me!
Tamaki: So sorry Princess, but I have recently taken up spying classes, and wanted to know if they were paying off. Haruhi, come here a second!
Tamaki: I'd like you to meet my most loyal customer. Her name is Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca the third and a half! But some people just call her Dot.
Haruhi: Well hi whor- I mean Dot. Did I say whore? Whoops, slip of the tongue.
Princess Chick: So I heard you had your stuff in the fountain, such a shame.
Haruhi: Oh yes. What a shame it would have been. Had I not gotten to see an amazingly hot guy take off his shirt and help me find it. And yes, I DO mean Tamaki.
Princess Chick: …I am Banana Fanna. You stole my love. Prepare to die
-Princess grabs Haruhi-
Princess Chick: I AM BEING ASSAULTED BY A COMMONER!
Random person: No one cares, go away!
Princess Chick: …I hate you all. *leaves crying*
Tamaki: Now, slave, because you made a girl cry, we have decided to up your quota by 900. Sounds completely reasonable. Now go change, you’re wetting the carpet.
-5 Seconds Later-
Tamaki: Hey, I got some some complementary Host Club towels for you. -sees Haruhi is a girl and light bulb goes on- Haruhi...you’re…A BEAR?
Haruhi: That makes no sense and I don’t know how you came to that conclusion. I am a girl. You know, like those you see fifty times a day in the Host Club? Ring a bell?
Tamaki: Hmm….maybe….do these ‘girls’ have a connection to Big Foot?
Tamaki: Then I don’t know them. Regardless, how nice that you are a girl. Now, come along, get changed, we mustn’t keep our guests waiting.
Haruhi: …can I quit now?
-Ending Scene: Honey and Oussa-Chan having cake together-
Honey: Man, those girls sure were nice to give us cake, huh, Oussa-chan?
Oussa-Chan: Yyyeaah…shame they were so bloody. Blood doesn’t come off me easily, you know?
Honey: There’s no more cake.