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Red Firey
04-28-2005, 12:09 AM
I've been working on this story for months by myself. I'll update my next cahpter later.

Chapter 1

The Way a Private Hell Works

Shade stood there staring at Ogar’s body. He hated this war. Why did the shadowkians and the groligans must fight each other?

The grolgians where like mutated shadowkians under Waku’s control. Waku was a shadowkian wizard who had turned evil. He was a power hungry sorcerer who wanted world domination. He kidnapped innocent shadowkians, mutated them, and turned them into his slaves. Shade on the other hand was a teenage shadowkian boy. Nothing special about him from any other shadowkian, (unless you count the fact that shadowkians look like an elf with pitch black skin, big yellow eyes without an iris and small grey pupils, not to mention a spiked tail, razor claws, and the fact that they can melt into a shadow!).

Ogar was Shade’s best friend. Ogar was barley alive. He lay on the battle field staring blankly up at Shade gasping in small breaths.

“I will save you,” Shade whispered to him. “Please don’t leave me. You’re my best friend! If I lose you… well… just don’t go…”

Ogar slowly lifted his hand and took Shade’s. “Tell my ma I love her man…” he whispered back. “Tell that to my little brother... Tell it to my pa...” He stared at Shade for a moment. “Get out there and kick tail dude…” His grip got lose and his pulse slowed. His eyes became unfocused.

Shade let go and started to cry. The only other time he cried was when he was a newborn. Shade looked at Ogar’s stab wound. His site shifted to the grolgian who stabbed him. “Aww! What’s a mater?” It joked at him with fake sympathy. “Did I just kill you’re friend? Well… You certainly won’t like what’s next for you!” It howled with malicious laughter.

“You bastard…” he muttered with anger under his breath. Suddenly, Shade drew his sword and plunged it into the grolgians heart. It let out an ear splitting scream and died.

It was afternoon. The battle had ended for now. Shade looked around the blood stained field. Hundreds of bodies were scattered everywhere. He then headed back with his and the other remaining tropes. When they arrived in the village there was a cheer for the surviving soldiers. There was also the sound of families mourning for loved ones who had failed to come back alive or who where captured. One of the families Shade saw looking franticly for there son was Ogar’s parents. He saw that his brother was not with them. When they saw Shade they ran up to him. “Shade!” Ogar’s mother gasped breathlessly. “Where is Ogar?!”

“I am sorry Mrs. Okwhila. Ogar fell in duty. He said before he died that he loved you, Mr. Okwhila, and Toklay though.” His mother burst out crying. “There, there sweetie…” Mr. Okwhile comforted her. “I’m sure he fell with his honor and pride...”. This didn’t seem to help. If anything she cried harder than ever. “I think it’s best if you head home Shade…” Mr. Okwhile said looking him in the eye. “You’re mother and father must be worried sick about you… Thank you son...” He spoke to Shade.

“SHADE!” his little sister Kiki screamed with delight.

“YOU’RE HOME!” “Of course I am,” he replied smoothly. “Unless I was a ghost.”

“What’s all the commotion about?” Shade’s dad Kumara spoke.

“SHADE’S HOME! SHADE’S HOME!” Kiki yelled happily.

“Shade?” It was his mother’s voice.

“Yes. Shade… Is there another Shade in this town?” his father replied gruffly.

“Oh, Shade… We thought you had died…” his mother said looking at him with sparkling eyes.

“Died?” Shade spoke in awe. “Who said that?”

“Mokibra of cores.” His father said back.

“Oh that little son of a--”

“Not in front of Kiki honey!” his mom snapped sharply.

“Sorry mom…”

Kumara looked up at Shade. “Mokibra told us when he got back that you had been slaughtered out in battle.”

“But I didn’t believe him at all!” Kiki piped up abruptly. “I knew he was lying because you tell me that he’s a creep!”

This was true. Mokibra was the son of the richest shadowkian in the village. Although he and Shade where the same age, Mokibra would look down on the poor families with disgust. This meant that he thought of Shade terribly. The two had never gotten along ever scene Shade had embarrassed him with a prank at the school yard.

“Oh he is so nice to tell you all that I was killed!” Shade roared with anger.

“Oh… Now just calm down honey…” his mother said more calmly. “Besides, it’s no use to get upset right before the festival of the four moons…”

Chapter 2

The Bloodshed

In the world of Shadowfleet There were four moons. Each was said to represent something. The green moon was to represent beauty. The blue moon was to represent peace. The red moon was to represent courage. Finally, the yellow moon represented wisdom. Shade was born under the red moon which meant he was courageous. The festival of the four moons was when all four moons where in the sky. It was a time for celebration. For others it was a time of mourning. During the festival you where to wear a vest colored with your birth color.

Shade sat down on a stool with a mug of whiskey. He looked into the stars and thought about how much more fun this would have been if Ogra was still alive. He remembered how one year they both got so drunk that they where running around the fair chasing girls and singing “This Old Man”. Oh, what a time they had… At least until the cops came. He laughed to him self.

He and a group of his friends sat at the bar when suddenly one of them named Kirana made a long whistle. “Well looky here!” he said apparently very impressed. “Who’s dat foxy lookin’ thang?”

Shade turned around and saw the HOTEST looking babe he had ever seen. Her eyes where sparkling. Her figure, so immensely satisfying. Her hair, so shiny and such a deep blue… He sat there for a while gazing at her, mouth wide open.

He stood up watching her approach the bar. Suddenly his friends pushed him toward her. They where all laughing hysterically. Shade got the feeling some of them were drunk. She saw him and smiled.

Shade took a deep breath and…. “Um… Hi. I’m Shade… Uh… Um… Hmm… Ehh…”

She giggled. “You must be one of those shy types. I’m Franica! It’s lovely to meet you!”

For a moment they stared at each other. Something suddenly sprung up in each of there hearts. Was it passion? Did they love each other? Yes. They did.

“You’re eyes…” he started. “They’re… They’re… So…”

“Blue?” She asked him.

“Yes…” he said this in a very hypnotized manner. “Why?” he finally asked.

“Well you see,” Franica started. “It is very rare for us shadowkians to have eyes a different color than yellow!”

“Wow…” Shade seamed to dumbfound by her beauty to speak.

She started to speak again. “I hear that there was once a creature called a human. They apparently had eyes from varieties of green, blue, and brown!”

“Hee…hee…hee…” Shade was slowly chuckling obviously satisfied that he had a girl talking to him.

“Here!” she said handing him a heart shaped locket. “Meet me at the café tomorrow! You’re cute…” she blushed, and Shade smiled.

He ran back eagerly to his friends and told them about his date. They where all laughing and cheering for Shade. They all bought extra large glasses of whiskey and cheered for him. Shade gave his own cheer for Ogra.

Shade sat up, his head hurt. He remembered drinking a lot and then tipping over. That was it. But when he did there was laughter and happiness in the air. Now all he could hear was screams of terror and yelling. “RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFES!” someone screamed nearby. Shade’s eyes where still closed but all he knew was that something terrible was happening. He opened his eyes. There where burning buildings and shadowkians running everywhere. Kirana was shaking him. “Shade! Shade! Wake up! This is not a good time to be drunk! Waku is here! Yes that’s right! Here in the village!”

Shade suddenly seemed to come to his senses. “W-What?!” Shade spuddered in shock.

“GET YOUR FAMILY AND GET OUT OF HERE!” Kirana yelled. Before he could say anything else, a groligan shoved a spear through the back of his head. The point came out right between his eyes. He spuddered breathlessly and fell dead right in Shade’s lap. Shade looked up to see Waku standing over him. His blood stained armor was glistening in the moon light.

“Consider yourself lucky,” he said to Shade in a menacing way and walked off to go kill some more.

Shade ran, speeding toward his home. But when he got there an unpleasant sight came to his attention. The roof of his house was on fire and his parents were dead. Kiki was standing still out front watching in horror as there home burnt down.

“What the hell happened?!?!” Shade yelled at Kiki over the roar of the flames.

Kiki slowly turned her head to look at Shade. Her eyes where full of tears. “The groligans… They came…” she cried with every pause. “They… They killed… Mama and papa…!”

Chapter 3

Safety Has No Meaning

Shade and Kiki ran through the town together seeking safety. Along the way he saw something just as horrible as what happened to his home. The girl he had just met, the woman he fell in love with was lying on the ground. Her elegant blue hair was spread out like rippled water. She was so beautiful… So elegant… So dead… There was a slit in her throat that was bleeding a gory amount of blood.

Shade stood there for a moment just staring. Then he quickly scooped up the crying Kiki in his arms and speed away out of the village, knocking down any groligan in his way. Little did Shade know though was that he was being watched.

They had just gotten out of the city limits. Shade set Kiki down on the ground. He was breathing heavily. He had never run like that before in his life. He spoke up to Kiki. “There’s a town down in Nocturne Valley. We should go there for the night…” It was decided. They would spend the night in the valley’s town. After that they would move on. To where, Shade didn’t know.

They got to the edge of the field and saw before them a great valley. It was not green but instead hot, dry, and dead.

“Aw damn…” Shade muttered to himself.

As they marched across the valley they saw that there was a huge river with a water fall cascading down into it from the cliffs in the distance. Kiki decided to sing to pass the time. This greatly annoyed Shade but he let her. He wanted to keep her mind off of the terrible incident. After a few hours they finally made it to town.

Under the hotel there was a saloon. Parched, they went in to get a drink. The bartender looked awfully familiar… Shade couldn’t put his finger on it though…

“One whiskey and a milk please.” He asked. The bartender went back into the storage room to get it. He took awhile but came back with every thing Shade had ordered.

Shade and Kiki sat at the bar awhile drinking. They had been in the bar twenty minutes now. Shade had finished his drink where as Kiki was still working on hers. She seemed awfully sleepy.

It happened fast. Kiki tipped off her stool and landed with a thud on the floor. “Kiki!” Shade yelled. He picked up the glass and smelled the liquid. “Poison...” he whispered. He chucked it to the floor. The glass shattered and milk with purple streaks of poison ran through it.

He grabbed the bartender by the hem of the shirt. “What the hell did you do to her?!” he roared. Rage was pulsing through his veins.

“Ahh…! What a temper we have hmm…?” He said slyly.

“DON’T YOU TOY WITH ME, DAMN IT!” Shade was screaming at him now. The whole bar had gone silent, and was watching them.

“Alright, alright, I give…” The bar tender said waving his hands and still had the same sly expression on his face. “South of here in the Evernight forest lies a spring which can cure anything. But it said to be guarded by a witch named Eve. No one has ever returned alive from the spring… Oh! And yes. It was I woe poisoned your sister…!”

At this Shade punched him in the face. He crashed into the shelf of bottles behind him and was knocked out cold. The weird thing was that he was still smiling.

Chapter 4

Jo-Ho-Ma the Dragon Clawed Thief

It was cold. Shade had rented a carriage with seven pieces of gold to take him and Kiki to the Evernight forest which was quite a long way from the valley. It had started to rain and the closer to the forest they got the darker it got. This must be why they call it Evernight forest, Shade thought. As they got closer Shade could see a forest of dead trees and pine trees. Lightning lit up the sky in the distance and he could see the shadowy outline of the forest clearer than ever.

When the reached the forests edge, Shade hopped out of the carriage and picked up Kiki in his arms. He walked toward the forest. The path was too small for the carriage to go through, so Shade had to walk.

Shade was still walking with his little sister tucked in his arms, when he heard some bushes rustling behind him. He quickly looked at them. Shade had heard that monsters lived in this forest and didn’t intend to meet one, ever.

Instead of a monster, another shadowkian walked out of the bush. “What were you doing in there?” Shade asked him. The shadowkian didn’t answer. He just stood there with his hands behind his back and giving a wide creepy smile showing off his pointed teeth. Shade tried again. “We’re lost,” He began. “Do you know where the spring is?”

“Yes…” Said the shadowkian with the same stupid grin. “Could you tell us where it is?” Shade said giving him a puzzled look. “No…” The shadowkian said again still smiling. “I’m not letting you go…” “What?!” Shade yelled. He was very alarmed. “I am Jo-Ho-Ma,” said Jo-Ho-Ma bowing. “I am a thief and an assassin. I have been hired to kill you, Shade.” Shade was so shocked that he didn’t say anything, but instead stood there staring at him. Jo-Ho-Ma removed his hand from behind his back. What Shade saw horrified him. Jo-Ho-Ma had no hands. Instead he made himself a pair of hands that looked a bit like dragon claws. The worst part was that it was made from bone of his past victims, (All of which were shadowkians.) For a moment they stood there staring at each other. Jo-Ho-Ma’s spiked green hair waved in the wind. Then Shade ran with Jo-Ho-Ma dashing after him.

Shade was running down the path when he tripped and fell into a deep ditch. It was all wet and damp. He had sprained his ankle from the fall. Jo-Ho-Ma walked up to the hole slowly and looked down at Shade with glowing yellow eyes. “Please,” Shade said to him desperately. “I’m just trying to save my sister.”

Kiki was stirring. She opened her eyes and saw she saw she was in a small spring. When she looked up she saw a terrifying shadowkian looming over her and her big brother.

Jo-Ho-Ma started laughing manically. “Oh come now!” he cackled. “In the job description my boss said you where strong and a pain in the ass! This is too easy!” He laughed again and his laughter seemed to pierce the night air like a dagger. “Nice and quick, I’ll slit your throat!” he spoke more menacingly. He with drew a long hooked knife and slowly advanced at Shade. “See ya in hell…” he said and raised the knife.

Shade was terrified. He couldn’t run because of his ankle and was trapped like a fly in a spider’s web! Jo-Ho-Ma’s knife was at Shade’s throat! He couldn’t escape!

Then Jo-Ho-Ma whispered to him, “I’ll be very happy when I spill your blood all over my…” He looked at his claws which glinted in the moon light. “Hands….”

Chapter 5

A Little Clearer

Jo-Ho-Ma got a better grip on his knife. Shade closed his eyes terrified. He was about to be killed and he couldn’t say good bye to his sister! He waited for the blow. Suddenly he heard a sound that sounded like heavy wood hitting bone! He opened his eyes. Jo-Ho-Ma was on the ground with a huge bruise on his head, and Kiki behind him holding a small log.

“Kiki….” said Shade softly. “You… saved my life!” “Oh it’s no biggy!” Kiki said blushing. I couldn’t let that Meany hurt you!” Shade pulled her into a tight hug. “Um... You’re over doing it…” she said looking around as though there were spectators.

“How did you wake up?” Shade asked after letting go of her. Kiki pointed at the spring. “When I woke up I felt that water. I think I might have accidentally drunk it… Eww!”

“Kiki!” Shade cheered. “This is it! This is the forest spring!”

“The what?” Kiki asked looking confused.

“Oh, ya…” Shade said. “You where knocked out.” Shade took a sip of the clear water under him. Instantly his ankle healed. He got up and walked over to Jo-Ho-Ma. “YOU CREEP!” he yelled and grabbed him by his shirt collar. “WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT? WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?” As Shade said this he shook Jo-Ho-Ma violently.

Jo-Ho-Ma looked up at Shade dazed. “Waku…” he whispered. Suddenly Shade had a flash back to the horrible shadowkian whom he saw the night his town was killed. “Where can I find him…?” Shade asked whishing he didn’t. “Well,” Jo-Ho-Ma started. “It’s a dangerous trip to his castle. First you must pass through the Crystal Fog Mountain Pass, then the Black Bog, after that there is a lake you must cross.”

“Come on Kiki,” said Shade slamming Jo-Ho-Ma’s body into the ground. “Let’s go.” Kiki had no interjections and obediently followed. Shade turned his back and started down the path in the direction of the bog but as soon as he did there was a great gust of wind. Shade spun around and saw that Jo-Ho-Ma was gone and the places he had lay was being swarmed by dead leaves blown by the wind.

Shade grasped Kiki’s hand and together they walked out of the forest side by side. Their path was clearer, but to where it leads was still hidden.

Chapter 6

A Hike in the Cold

Now the days where getting colder. Autumn was changing into winter. Not only that, but Kiki and Shade were getting close to the mountain pass. At the base of the mountain was a small village. The two of them stopped there to stock up on food and water. They also got a kind shadowkian as a guide up the mountain, named Arkolch.

The higher they hiked the colder it got. “You know,” Arkolch said as they were trudging through the snow. “There are rumors of Chozats up here.”

“Chozats?” Shade asked uncertainly.

“Yah,” Arkolch replied. “They’re these huge monsters that look like a mix between a bug and a dragon. They can never get enough to eat either. There was a village near the top of the summit, but they stopped contacting us for a while. Some folks say that a chozat came and ate all the villagers.” Shade shuddered in the cold. He picked up Kiki, because she was having trouble walking as the snow grew deeper. “Cores I can’t say what actually goes on up there,” Arkolch continued. “For all we know, they could have run out of supplies or something.”

Shade nodded his head in agreement, but wasn’t actually listening to him. Instead Shade was thinking when will this guy shut up?

Arkolch looked back at Shade, his wings where being blown by the wind. “I see you don’t have your wings yet, eh boy?” Arkolch said. “Haven’t gone through puberty yet?” Shade’s face went red.

“Don’t talk about that in front of my little sister!” Shade snapped.

“Well, sorry,” Arkolch said with a sarcastic heir in his voice.

Night was coming so the three stopped to set up camp. As soon as he finished the tent Shade beckoned Kiki to take shelter in the tent and under her wool blanket. Arkolch went in with her. “Coming?” he asked Shade.

“Nah,” said Shade absent mindedly again. “I’ll come in a bit.”

Shade looked out at the sunset. It was an orange, the same color as his hair, when they were setting up the camp. Now the sky was a deep blood red. It was two months ago that they had left their village on that terrible night. He looked at the sky and thought back on that day, and how the ground and the clothes of the villagers where stained in that same color. He got up and went into the tent. When he got inside he had some hot soup with Kiki and Arkolch, and then went to bed.

That night’s sleep was not an easy one. In his dream his memory flashed back again to that horrible day. He saw his home on fire, Kiki crying over their parent’s dead bodies, Franica lying on the ground with her hair spread wildly out and her slit throat. Then he felt a small but lasting pain in his back throughout the night.

Shade awoke with a gasp. He looked outside. It was still dark and Kiki and Arkolch were still asleep. His back still ached. He put his hand there to rub it but was shocked to find that over night wings where sprouting out of his back. Now in shadowkian anatomy, when one goes through puberty, they grow wings from their backs. The males have wings large enough to fly. The females how ever, have wings much too small and can only hover some feet in the air.

Shade looked back. His wings looked like hooked dragon wings. They were black with orange skin stretching between them. Shade walked outside. He did not need anyone to teach him to fly, because a shadowkian knows how to do this when their wings have fledged. He spread his wings and was about to try them, when suddenly he heard Kiki’s voice and jumped in surprise.

“Shade?” Kiki said. Then a big grin spread her face. “You got your wings! You got your wings!” Shade laughed as he watched her hop happily up and down with excitement.

Shade once again spread his wings and lifted off. Kiki watched in aw as Shade glided across the sky. She whooped and cheered for him. Shade felt a new sense of peace. The breeze was calming and relaxing. He glided back down to Kiki. Then they went back in the tent and went back to sleep.

Tali
04-28-2005, 05:22 PM
This is good. Great ideas are represented and it could be an epic story . However it moves to fast I mean you had a war over in two lines with no real explanation of what was going on. Why were Shade and Ogar fighting? Why weren't their parents?
Also Shade falls in love immediately and knows he has. I didn't find this realistic.
Our first impression of the bad guy was short and a bit undetailed.
I don't mean to sound mean i just think you need to spend a bit more time on events and explain in more detail.

Margo
04-28-2005, 10:46 PM
This is good. Great ideas are represented and it could be an epic story . However it moves to fast I mean you had a war over in two lines with no real explanation of what was going on. Why were Shade and Ogar fighting? Why weren't their parents?
Also Shade falls in love immediately and knows he has. I didn't find this realistic.
Our first impression of the bad guy was short and a bit undetailed.
I don't mean to sound mean i just think you need to spend a bit more time on events and explain in more detail.

It's actually "Ogra", Robby just makes a lot of mistakes lolol. Aaand...Ogra was Shade's best friend, they weren't fighting lol. Heehee, but that's okay!! It just shows that Robby should explain more thoroughly. And I think she'll be happy you gave her feedback with your honest thoughts ^___^ Err...does this count as spamming? ;___;

Red Firey
04-29-2005, 12:54 AM
This is good. Great ideas are represented and it could be an epic story . However it moves to fast I mean you had a war over in two lines with no real explanation of what was going on. Why were Shade and Ogar fighting? Why weren't their parents?
Also Shade falls in love immediately and knows he has. I didn't find this realistic.
Our first impression of the bad guy was short and a bit undetailed.
I don't mean to sound mean i just think you need to spend a bit more time on events and explain in more detail.

It's actually "Ogra", Robby just makes a lot of mistakes lolol. Aaand...Ogra was Shade's best friend, they weren't fighting lol. Heehee, but that's okay!! It just shows that Robby should explain more thoroughly. And I think she'll be happy you gave her feedback with your honest thoughts ^___^ Err...does this count as spamming? ;___;

No, Margo. It's not spamming! ^^

Yes! I love feedback! The deeper into the story I get, the more it will explain. And as for the girl, it was one of those love at first sight things! ^^ w00t!

Tali
04-29-2005, 08:17 PM
i meant who were they fighting in the war and why? I'll read on though.

Tali
04-29-2005, 08:17 PM
i meant who were they fighting in the war and why? I'll read on though.

Tamashii
05-01-2005, 01:43 PM
I really like the story and the shadowkians are a really cool idea. I love the moon festival thing too but there's some things I'm a bit confused about.

What age is Shade and why are he and Ogar fighting in the battle, why aren't their parents?


“SHADE!” his little sister Kiki screamed with delight.

“YOU’RE HOME!” “Of course I am,” he replied smoothly. “Unless I was a ghost.”
I dunno but it kinda sounds like she's welcoming home from school or something or maybe she doesn't believe that guy when he says Shade dead


Shade turned around and saw the HOTEST looking babe he had ever seen. Her eyes where sparkling. Her figure, so immensely satisfying. Her hair, so shiny and such a deep blue… He sat there for a while gazing at her, mouth wide open.
Are you sure it's really love at first sight? Cuz he only describes her looks, he doesn't say anything like "deep filled with compassion/kindness". Lust at first sight would be more realistic.


“Well you see,” Franica started. “It is very rare for us shadowkians to have eyes a different color than yellow!”

“Wow…” Shade seamed to dumbfound by her beauty to speak.

She started to speak again. “I hear that there was once a creature called a human. They apparently had eyes from varieties of green, blue, and brown!”
She talks to Shade like he doesn't know anything about shadowkians and the fact that humans have different coloured eyes still doesn't explained why hers are blue, unless one her ancestors was a human.


“Here!” she said handing him a heart shaped locket
Umm..is it normal for shadowkian girls to do this?


“GET YOUR FAMILY AND GET OUT OF HERE!” Kirana yelled. Before he could say anything else, a groligan shoved a spear through the back of his head. The point came out right between his eyes. He spuddered breathlessly and fell dead right in Shade’s lap. Shade looked up to see Waku standing over him. His blood stained armor was glistening in the moon light.

“Consider yourself lucky,” he said to Shade in a menacing way and walked off to go kill some more.
This is what really confuses me the most. He send an assasin after Shade later on but when his chance comes and Shade's vulnerable he just tells Shade "Consider yourself lucky!" and walks off to kill more people. I'm sorry but that just seems way too unrealistical.

All in all though I think you've got some great ideas but you need to explain things a little more and take the story at a slightly slower pace.

I'm sorry if I sounded mean ;_; I didn't mean too. I'm just trying to give constructive critiscm.

Tamashii
05-01-2005, 01:43 PM
I really like the story and the shadowkians are a really cool idea. I love the moon festival thing too but there's some things I'm a bit confused about.

What age is Shade and why are he and Ogar fighting in the battle, why aren't their parents?


“SHADE!” his little sister Kiki screamed with delight.

“YOU’RE HOME!” “Of course I am,” he replied smoothly. “Unless I was a ghost.”
I dunno but it kinda sounds like she's welcoming home from school or something or maybe she doesn't believe that guy when he says Shade dead


Shade turned around and saw the HOTEST looking babe he had ever seen. Her eyes where sparkling. Her figure, so immensely satisfying. Her hair, so shiny and such a deep blue… He sat there for a while gazing at her, mouth wide open.
Are you sure it's really love at first sight? Cuz he only describes her looks, he doesn't say anything like "deep filled with compassion/kindness". Lust at first sight would be more realistic.


“Well you see,” Franica started. “It is very rare for us shadowkians to have eyes a different color than yellow!”

“Wow…” Shade seamed to dumbfound by her beauty to speak.

She started to speak again. “I hear that there was once a creature called a human. They apparently had eyes from varieties of green, blue, and brown!”
She talks to Shade like he doesn't know anything about shadowkians and the fact that humans have different coloured eyes still doesn't explained why hers are blue, unless one her ancestors was a human.


“Here!” she said handing him a heart shaped locket
Umm..is it normal for shadowkian girls to do this?


“GET YOUR FAMILY AND GET OUT OF HERE!” Kirana yelled. Before he could say anything else, a groligan shoved a spear through the back of his head. The point came out right between his eyes. He spuddered breathlessly and fell dead right in Shade’s lap. Shade looked up to see Waku standing over him. His blood stained armor was glistening in the moon light.

“Consider yourself lucky,” he said to Shade in a menacing way and walked off to go kill some more.
This is what really confuses me the most. He send an assasin after Shade later on but when his chance comes and Shade's vulnerable he just tells Shade "Consider yourself lucky!" and walks off to kill more people. I'm sorry but that just seems way too unrealistical.

All in all though I think you've got some great ideas but you need to explain things a little more and take the story at a slightly slower pace.

I'm sorry if I sounded mean ;_; I didn't mean too. I'm just trying to give constructive critiscm.

Margo
05-01-2005, 06:58 PM
Heehee, no, Tamashii, I think it will really help Robby ^.^

Margo
05-01-2005, 06:58 PM
Heehee, no, Tamashii, I think it will really help Robby ^.^

Red Firey
05-02-2005, 02:11 AM
Oh, yes it will! (BTW, some of that stuff is like that on purpose cause it'll be explained L8R!)

Red Firey
05-02-2005, 02:11 AM
Oh, yes it will! (BTW, some of that stuff is like that on purpose cause it'll be explained L8R!)

Red Firey
05-03-2005, 01:57 AM
New chapter just in! ;) It's full of action, too!

Chapter 7

Demon in the Mirror

As the troupe reached the peak of the pass, it got colder. The guide turned to face Shade and Kiki. “Now up this way,” he said, “Is a wall of ice. It’s so clean, it’s like a mirror. It’ll draw ‘ya in, though. People have said to go mad up there.”

“Well, whatever,” Shade replied. “At least me and Kiki have a reason for going.”

Eventually, they reached the ice wall. Arkolch was right. Shade could see his reflection. He looked himself up and down. His clothes were torn here and there and he had some grass, dirt, and blood stains on it. His arms, legs, and face had scratches on them. His hair was in a complete mess. He made to straiten it out, but he noticed something odd. When he moved his hand toward his scalp, his reflection moved its hand towards its check. Shade lowered his hand and watched as his reflection did not. It gave him a small mischievous smile then did it…

The reflection sunk its claws into the side of its face and tore downward scraping most of the flesh of its check. Shade yelled in shock and jumped backwards. The small smile turned into a twisted grin and then the reflection started to rapidly thrash at the remaining skin on its face.

Shade ran as fast as he could to catch up with Kiki and Arkolch, but his reflection kept chasing him down the long mirror.

Now, you’re probably wondering at this point, why didn’t he smash the mirror?, or why didn’t he walk or fly away? All of you are very cleaver, I must admit, but not as cunning as Shade. For the first reason, every action has a consequence. If he were to smash it, there would be endless possibilities of what could happen. 50/50 that it would go good or wrong. Why he didn’t walk away or fly, the ice wall is inside a narrow cave with a low ceiling, which is hardly any good for flying. To make maters worse, the mirror stretched throughout the entire cave.

As Shade sped down the ice wall he saw Kiki and Arkolch up ahead. “Hey!” Shade yelled. “Hurry up! Go!”

Arkolch turned to look at him, “What?” he asked hesitantly. “Don’t you see it?!” Shade said pointing to his reflection and skidding to a stop right next to them. “How can you not see it?!” Arkolch and Kiki looked at the reflection, but saw only Shade’s normal reflection pointing back at him. What they couldn’t see is what Shade saw. An evil version of himself that was now ripping out its organs. “LOOK, DAMMIT!” Shade screamed, his pointing finger now shaking. The next thing he did was just stupid, no mater how cunning Shade was. Shade picked up a rock next to him and chucked it at the mirror as hard as he could. A huge crack was made and quickly spread along the wall. The reflection screeched and now Arkolch and Kiki were able to see it. Kiki let out a piercing scream and the image of a slaughtered version of her big brother. Arkolch just stared. “So they didn’t go mad…” he muttered under his breath. “It was a demon in the ice mirror…”

Now this is when the real trouble starts. Suddenly the demon smashed its fist through the ice and started to smash at the wall. They watched in horror as the bloody fist banged and banged on the wall. “Why are you still watching?!” Arkolch yelled. “RUN!!” The trio ran about half way down the cave when they heard a smash and shatter. Shade slowly turned his head around afraid of what was coming.

There was the mutilated version of Shade, dripping with blood and torn flesh littering the ground. It too slowly turned its face to Shade giving him the same twisted smile and hissed menacingly. Shade started to run even faster to catch back up with Kiki and Arkolch. Suddenly Shade noticed a sword in Arkolch’s belt. “You had a sword and didn’t use it?!” Shade said to Arkolch half running and half panting. “Well,” Arkolch said hesitantly. “I don’t know how to use it. It’s more for show.” “Idiot,” Shade said through barred teeth.

Suddenly Shade stopped on the spot and turned to face the monster which was running towards him at a breakneck speed. “SHADE!” Kiki screamed. “What are you doing!?” Shade just stood there staring down the demon then whispered to Arkolch, “Hand me your sword…” “What!?” Arkolch said in surprise. “Hand it to me,” Shade repeated calmly. Arkolch did as he was told and tossed it to Shade. The demon was only yards away from Shade now. If Shade screwed up here, he’d be dead. Shade waited for his moment to strike. A few more seconds… and….! Suddenly right as the demon reached him, Shade stuck out the sword and lodged the blade through the remains of its stomach. The monster screamed, hissed, and writhed on the spot slowly melting into a black puddle. Then the black liquid entirely dripped of a skull floating there supported by who knows what and dropped to the floor with a smash.

Red Firey
05-03-2005, 01:57 AM
New chapter just in! ;) It's full of action, too!

Chapter 7

Demon in the Mirror

As the troupe reached the peak of the pass, it got colder. The guide turned to face Shade and Kiki. “Now up this way,” he said, “Is a wall of ice. It’s so clean, it’s like a mirror. It’ll draw ‘ya in, though. People have said to go mad up there.”

“Well, whatever,” Shade replied. “At least me and Kiki have a reason for going.”

Eventually, they reached the ice wall. Arkolch was right. Shade could see his reflection. He looked himself up and down. His clothes were torn here and there and he had some grass, dirt, and blood stains on it. His arms, legs, and face had scratches on them. His hair was in a complete mess. He made to straiten it out, but he noticed something odd. When he moved his hand toward his scalp, his reflection moved its hand towards its check. Shade lowered his hand and watched as his reflection did not. It gave him a small mischievous smile then did it…

The reflection sunk its claws into the side of its face and tore downward scraping most of the flesh of its check. Shade yelled in shock and jumped backwards. The small smile turned into a twisted grin and then the reflection started to rapidly thrash at the remaining skin on its face.

Shade ran as fast as he could to catch up with Kiki and Arkolch, but his reflection kept chasing him down the long mirror.

Now, you’re probably wondering at this point, why didn’t he smash the mirror?, or why didn’t he walk or fly away? All of you are very cleaver, I must admit, but not as cunning as Shade. For the first reason, every action has a consequence. If he were to smash it, there would be endless possibilities of what could happen. 50/50 that it would go good or wrong. Why he didn’t walk away or fly, the ice wall is inside a narrow cave with a low ceiling, which is hardly any good for flying. To make maters worse, the mirror stretched throughout the entire cave.

As Shade sped down the ice wall he saw Kiki and Arkolch up ahead. “Hey!” Shade yelled. “Hurry up! Go!”

Arkolch turned to look at him, “What?” he asked hesitantly. “Don’t you see it?!” Shade said pointing to his reflection and skidding to a stop right next to them. “How can you not see it?!” Arkolch and Kiki looked at the reflection, but saw only Shade’s normal reflection pointing back at him. What they couldn’t see is what Shade saw. An evil version of himself that was now ripping out its organs. “LOOK, DAMMIT!” Shade screamed, his pointing finger now shaking. The next thing he did was just stupid, no mater how cunning Shade was. Shade picked up a rock next to him and chucked it at the mirror as hard as he could. A huge crack was made and quickly spread along the wall. The reflection screeched and now Arkolch and Kiki were able to see it. Kiki let out a piercing scream and the image of a slaughtered version of her big brother. Arkolch just stared. “So they didn’t go mad…” he muttered under his breath. “It was a demon in the ice mirror…”

Now this is when the real trouble starts. Suddenly the demon smashed its fist through the ice and started to smash at the wall. They watched in horror as the bloody fist banged and banged on the wall. “Why are you still watching?!” Arkolch yelled. “RUN!!” The trio ran about half way down the cave when they heard a smash and shatter. Shade slowly turned his head around afraid of what was coming.

There was the mutilated version of Shade, dripping with blood and torn flesh littering the ground. It too slowly turned its face to Shade giving him the same twisted smile and hissed menacingly. Shade started to run even faster to catch back up with Kiki and Arkolch. Suddenly Shade noticed a sword in Arkolch’s belt. “You had a sword and didn’t use it?!” Shade said to Arkolch half running and half panting. “Well,” Arkolch said hesitantly. “I don’t know how to use it. It’s more for show.” “Idiot,” Shade said through barred teeth.

Suddenly Shade stopped on the spot and turned to face the monster which was running towards him at a breakneck speed. “SHADE!” Kiki screamed. “What are you doing!?” Shade just stood there staring down the demon then whispered to Arkolch, “Hand me your sword…” “What!?” Arkolch said in surprise. “Hand it to me,” Shade repeated calmly. Arkolch did as he was told and tossed it to Shade. The demon was only yards away from Shade now. If Shade screwed up here, he’d be dead. Shade waited for his moment to strike. A few more seconds… and….! Suddenly right as the demon reached him, Shade stuck out the sword and lodged the blade through the remains of its stomach. The monster screamed, hissed, and writhed on the spot slowly melting into a black puddle. Then the black liquid entirely dripped of a skull floating there supported by who knows what and dropped to the floor with a smash.