[Poem] The Beast of the Soul

[Tali]

This is a poem pointing out that the quiet, nice peop who take all that's thrown at them without retaliating have to crack sometime and then beware.

The Beast of the Soul

There's a fire beneath the surface.
My calm facade ripples and cracks.
Anger flashes through my skin, like lightening.
I retaliate to your smacks.

Then my hand is on your throat.
There's little pity for your pain.
You'll regret pushing me because you've seen my beast.
Your taunts cut his chain.

You're screaming now.
I can't recapture the beast.
Your evil,in its own turn,unlocked my hate.
The anger is unleashed.

I tried so hard to be nice.
I couldn't last forever.
Why should you be allowed to continue like this?
No one stop you ever?

I seek pure revenge.
I doubt you'll ever last.
You'll release to many beasts with your cruel nature..
And so you're fate is cast.

No-one will ever remember you.
Not in thought. deed or song.
You're too inconsequential to the world as a whole.
And so one final squeeze you're gone.

[Jing]

Nice. I liked that.

[Cefaclor]

That was great!!! Awesome work.

I loved the first paragraph! That rocked! You definitely used the right words and the right kind of imagery to go with the situation! That was seriously awesome!

"There's a fire beneath the surface----->oooh.. fire under serene waters..
My calm facade ripples and cracks----> you continue the imagery! very good!
Anger flashes through my skin, like lightening.
I retaliate to you smacks. "

And I love the third line: It makes me think of adrenaline rushing through veins in a split second--- like lightening! And especially since lightning bolts kinda remind me of veins. It goes well with what you are saying!!!

4th line: "I retaliate to you in smacks! " is wonderful, because it gives a sound to the imagery (lightning bolt) you provided in the line before! Not only that but it works well with what youre saying, yet again.

And then the rest is really good, very angsty in a cool way ;)

Suggestion: It would be more effective to talk about the beast a little bit more after the second paragraph. Is it a spiritual being inside you? Any imagery you can use to describe it vividly. Amalgamate the need for revenge and hatred with beast imagery. Be one.. with the beast...speak as the beast... be the beast. lol.. ;)

GOOD STUFF!! TRES BIEN!! ;)

[Tali]

thanks for the comment i'm glad you liked it Jing,
Thanks for the detailed review Cefaclor. I'll think about how to put another verse but for now the beast is meant to be all the anger pent up inside you taking over and ignoring your more rational and patient thoughts.

[TESM]

the breaking of human control/humility.

very nice imagery (sp) (damnit), and although a few textual errors (i.e you should be your in line... 2)

overall, a nice piece of work, and definately one of your better ones. nice work.