English Version - FFXIII Theme Song (Lyrics Critique Needed)

[Merr]

Hey all! I was hesitant to post this, since it's really rough, but I figured you guys could help me out.

I'm working on an English version of 'Kimi Ga Iru Kara', the theme song from Final Fantasy XIII. I've pretty much finished the lyrics, but I wanted to get some feedback on how they sound. My singing here is... of dubious quality, but I hope you guys can ignore that and focus on the lyrics. (Someone else will be singing the final version, so try to imagine how it would sound without my voice straining to hit all those high notes :razz:)

Specifically, what I'm looking for are your thoughts on any lines that sound awkward or strange. Seriously. If there's a part that sounds at all weird to you, let me know. Oh and if you've got suggestions for how to make a line sound better, let me know that too. One caveat though: I'm not too concerned with how close the meaning of these lyrics are to the Japanese ones'. I tried to keep the overall tone and imagery of the original, but there are plenty of sections that I heavily rewrote. My main concern is how the lyrics flow on their own. Any suggestions you have would be great.

I appreciate all the help, guys! :)

-----

So, after all that. Here's the song.

Link (http://www.4shared.com/file/231277333/b67d43/FFXIII_Theme__scratch_track_.html)

----

And here are the lyrics. The lines in red are lines that I rewrote after recording the scratch track.

I still remember how you said goodbye
Sayin' it's fine to cry
So go ahead now and cry your eyes out

Of all the things I could have done that day
All that I did was smile
I knew somehow I'd be okay

So many things I meant to say and do
I never meant to be the one who hurt you
Now you're gone and I don't think I can take it
I wish that you were here
I wish that I could feel you by my side
Always...

If all the things I dreamed were real
Then the one thing I would do
Is find a way to make it through to you
I'm asking for a miracle and I'll go on believing
Today could be the day when you return to me
It has to be, it has to be
Tell me you'll be waiting for me
My dear friend

I still remember how you said goodbye
Tellin' me now's the time
Spread your wings and I know you'll make it

And all the pain I used to hide inside
I'm leaving it all behind
I saw my chance and I chose to take it

Now's the time when I can open the door
Even though I hesitate, scared of losing who I am and who I was before
I think of you and I can finally be stronger
I know that you'll be here
I know that you'll be with me all the time

If all the things I feel are real
Then the one thing I can do
Is say the words I never said to you
I'm asking for a miracle and I'm the one who's dreaming
Tomorrow will be brighter if I just believe
It has to be, it has to be
Tell me you'll be waiting for me
My dear friend

I promise here and now that I will not forget you. I'll be strong
No matter where I go I know I won't regret the steps I took to come this far
My eyes look to the sky
There's a light that shines like a brilliant beacon
Leading me, telling me we can meet again
Someday...

If all the things I feel are real
Then the one thing I can do
Is say the words I never said to you
I'm asking for a miracle and I'm the one who's dreaming
Tomorrow will be brighter if I just believe

Dreams are real
And the one thing I will do
Is find a way to make it through to you
I'm asking for a miracle and I'll go on believing
Tomorrow will be brighter if I only dream
It has to be, it has to be
Tell me you'll be waiting for me
My dear friend

[Arararagi]

Oh geez, I love your lyrics o3o!

I couldn't find anything wrong with it, moreover since I haven't heard the original Japanese one sooooo I can't really do a comparison, but I thought everything flowed very well! The only line that I felt awkward was the "So go ahead now and cry your eyes out", the 'now' made the line a bit mouthful and I think it would be a good idea to cut it out and just make it "So go ahead and cry your eyes out".

Overall, very nice job on the lyrics AND the vocals zomg what is this dubious quality singing you're talking about 8(

[Animeluvr44]

That was so so so so so amazing!!!! XD and awesome lyrics!!!

[Y. Chang]

I feel really dumb for saying so, but I can't think of anything to add. The rhyme structure you've put in place is really graceful and subtle, and the changes you made gave the song a stronger sense of time and place. As a side note, I don't think your singing is as dubious as you make it out to be! Pretty pleasant on the ears, even if it's just a scratch track; I'd be curious to hear it without the tuning.

I like your lyrics! I hope we can do something together in the future.

[Merr]

LOL thanks for all the kind words guys :sweat

The only line that I felt awkward was the "So go ahead now and cry your eyes out", the 'now' made the line a bit mouthful
I was actually thinking the same thing. I'll probably change it for the final version, since it does sound kind of wordy.

I like your lyrics! I hope we can do something together in the future.
Dude, send me a PM if there's a song you want to work on! I've heard some of your songs and they're amazing.

[Erica]

I wanted to adapt this song eventually, but now I feel no need to because it probably wouldn't get any better than this. I'm not extremely familiar with the song as I've only heard it three or so times, but overall, things sound great.

[Cristina]

I think this track is already ready to be posted... it's very beautiful.

[Merr]

Well, since everyone seems to like it so much, I think I'll just stick with these lyrics ^^

*goes off to send lyrics to the real singer*