Anxiety and Depression. [Archive] - Voice Acting Alliance Forums

Shizuko

09-19-2007, 06:42 PM

I get anxiety attacks and I panic when I'm out in public, if I can avoid talking and being around people, I will. It's hard just to go to the store and do simple things. I'm a self-hater and degrade myself on a daily bases, with no self-esteem, I know that doesn't help. I hate being out in public, I feel everyone just hates me or is talking about me behind my back. I had a lot of bad experiences with people, which probably made the way I am now.

I don't even like talking to people on the phone, not even my own family members. I hung up on a family member once because I was to scared to talk. I have a few friends but even I try not to have much contact with them. Sadly, I know more people on the internet than I do in real life, it's a little easier because I'm not really around them, but even still. I avoid them as much as I can, that is why I don't go on IM's much. I don't even feel comfortable with most people on this site, ( No offense to anyone) There is about 3 people on here I feel somewhat comfortable with. I'm even scared of finding a job....I'm pretty pathetic, ain't I?

I hate it when I get anxiety attacks, feels like I'm having a heart attack and I feel like going insane.

I'm also OCD, I have to rearrange things, I have to place items in weird places and if I don't, I feel like something disturbingly bad will happen and it will drive me crazy. I also have to rearrange things in other people's houses, because if I don't it will drive me crazy.. I only do those things to get the thoughts out of my head. I also have obsessive thoughts of suicide in which I do more of that stuff to try to get those thoughts out of my head.

I use to cope with it by drinking, but stopped when I ended up getting alcohol poisoning, My mom is afraid of me being on medication because she is a afraid I will abuse that, I already do that with pain medication, she just doesn't know it. It help calms me down and I don't care what anyone says, at least I'm not doing crack.

When I was a little bit younger, the doctors said I should go see a psychologist to help with all this, but my dad says I don't need to and that I am fine, I was covered under is medical insurance at the time, but I'm 19 now and not covered anymore, so he kinda had control over that. I'm waiting till I move to New York to place myself in a psychiatric center for a little while, to help me get rid of this anxiety and to help me raise myself esteem, but also for other reasons not related to this topic.

I wish I could just live normal, especially not hating myself and being afraid to go out in the world and being around people. With the feeling that everyone hates me and panic every time I have to have contact with someone. All that gets me depressed very easily and no wants to be around a depressed person.

I already hate myself more and feel stupid and wonder what people will think of me when I post all that..

Cristina

09-19-2007, 10:23 PM

Thanks for sharing.
Nobody's gonna think any less of you Leiko.
Anxiety attacks are very very scary-- but they don't make us weird or any less of a person~
It seems like the common link is self esteem :\
I used to be given a hard time, so I guess I kinda just learned to be self conscious. Now that I realize that THEY were the ones with confidence issues, I can't help but feel this way 'cause it's all I really know.

SulliMike23

09-19-2007, 10:57 PM

Just be glad it's not depression, Cristina-chan.

Erica

09-20-2007, 02:02 AM

Just be glad it's not depression, Cristina-chan.

I'm pretty sure they go hand in hand so you can't 'be glad' that you have one over the other.

KitsuneSqueak

09-20-2007, 02:14 AM

I don't personally have anxiety attacks (or at least..I don't think I do, though I do get depressed very easily) but my brother does.

The best thing for him right now is to talk to someone about it. He's small and often teased at school for being so small, and he's also a perfectionist, so he gets hit with it often.

Most of the times it's small stuff for him that pushes him off the edge, but our family tries to talk to him and figure out what it is every time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but it always helps him feel better.

I'm sorry that you have this Cristina, and I wish you best of luck coping with it. Just don't hold it all in.

Kage-Ichihashi

09-21-2007, 01:28 AM

I've been subject to anxiety attacks quite often when it comes to work at school or in my personal life. Like Masako-sama said, it starts with a rush of panic for me as well. I usually break into hysterics right after that, crying, uneven breathing, and all of that.

As for handling them, it's really difficult. If it happens when my mom's around, she usually makes me drink some water to relax while I'm in hysteric-mode. After that, it's an amount of coaxing myself to calm down and focus. It's really, really hard, though. I've never had great self-confidence, and that's usually what affects it, like you said. It doesn't matter if I know how well I can do or anything, it's the fact that I don't believe it.

Anxiety comes with just about anything, and it's not a bad thing, of course. But there are times it gets out of hand. I wish I had some better advice in this subject, but alas, it's not something I have gotten over or am even capable of handling and dealing with... It certainly doesn't help self-esteem any, and that's where it seems to all begin in the first place. : (

Zankoku no Yami

09-21-2007, 01:40 AM

I suffer from anxiety... so many dang forms too... the only way i cope is to either change my surroundings or take my medication.

I've passed out a few times myself, heh... and it usually gets pretty bad when i get it. So i have to keep it managed through my medication. But if it gets bad enough, i have some friends i can live with for a while. Did that towards the beginning of summer in fact. Really helps clear my mind, to get away from everything.

Yugure

09-21-2007, 03:21 AM

I have anxiety problems too, but sometimes I swear it's.. well, not just my head.

I am afraid of being home alone, but it happens often because, well, my mom works. I have a german shepard-mix, so you would think I'd feel okay. I have this unnerving, adrenaline causing feeling of someone will a bad intent being nearby, like a random guy with a gun. We have had people who robbed a nearby store hide in our yard, so I have a slightly rational reason for it.

Sometimes, I could swear I hear one human's rushed footsteps across the dead leaves near my window, or the sound of someone jumping the chainlink fence. Also, my dog will act strange, like how he has acted in the past over a circumstance like that. (aka, get silent, ears back, "hackles" up, tail down, wanting to be really close to me and/or keep me in one place by laying on me)
Also when I'm home alone, I always feel like theres something on my back or someone right behind me in the hallway. I can't stand it.

A different issue I have is speaking. I'm silent because I am always afraid of sounding stupid, and I usually succed to sound stupid if I do talk. So its like, my prideful issue of being looked-well upon is stopping me from talking.

I can't stand that cold look people give me if I try to join in a conversation... No matter if I already knew them or not. I'm very codependant, and I hate that about myself, it clashes with my ego, which I have finally admitted to having.

I have low self-confidence, so I'm always thinking about how fat I look or how ugly or stupid I am. I can't stop myself from thinking this way. I'd spent too much time as a preteen screaming at myself in the mirror about it when I was depressed. Does anyone know about how to cope with that kind of low self-esteem?

ClymAngus

09-21-2007, 12:22 PM

Minor depression, genetically prone to addiction, I also have a nasty habit of mentally reliving experiences in my life that didn't end in a satisfactory way, in some strange attempt to alter the outcome. This does make me a little edgy at times yes, never really been a fan of crowds their too invasive and overpowering for my liking.

MaNa Shuffle

09-22-2007, 06:41 PM

I try to speak to someone when I cant and I panic especially when its a in a short time. Its worse whenI get forced... T_T

Theres always a point in life when I feel depressed. It's not easy to explain. I just feel...bleh.

And I cannot use a phone despite having a mobile phone. I dunno why. I was soo good at it when I was a child and I can't remember why I'm so scared now. Its a panicking experince...(spelling)

Aramek

09-23-2007, 02:45 AM

I'm afraid I do not have any phobias, disorders, or problems of any kind.

However...there is some sort of alarm going off in my apartment...

I need to check on it. It is of ungodly volume.

Mew0range

09-23-2007, 06:50 AM

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a child-hood thing.
I get a deep paranoia, at night all of my windows have to be covered; otherwise I'll feel like someones watching.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I'm obsessed with the number four. I have to correct people if they are wrong when speaking, like using the word "ain't". Everything has to be even; like if I hit my right hand twice I have to hit my left hand twice.

I get anxiety attacks when verbally someone is overpowering me. Or when I get a feeling that someones watching me; even when I'm crowded. I'm also a foot phobic. D:

Zankoku no Yami

09-23-2007, 06:53 AM

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I'm obsessed with the number four. I have to correct people if they are wrong when speaking, like using the word "ain't". Everything has to be even; like if I hit my right hand twice I have to hit my left hand twice.

I have some really odd habbits that I now think is that. Like if i blow on one wrist/arm i have to blow on the other... strange, so very, very strange...

Things also have to be in order. So i am way too organized, even with files on my computer. Even when I do math, everything has to be lined up perfectly. Gah! *dies* and those are just the beginning!

Mew0range

09-23-2007, 06:55 AM

I have some really odd habbits that I now think is that. Like if i blow on one wrist/arm i have to blow on the other... strange, so very, very strange...

Things also have to be in order. So i am way too organized, even with files on my computer. Even when I do math, everything has to be lined up perfectly. Gah! *dies* and those are just the beginning!

x_x I know what you mean. I just hate the feeling. I mean, if I type and one finger hits the other, or when I write, I drive myself nuts trying to repeat that.
-dies with you- D:

Zankoku no Yami

09-23-2007, 07:00 AM

x_x I know what you mean. I just hate the feeling. I mean, if I type and one finger hits the other, or when I write, I drive myself nuts trying to repeat that.
-dies with you- D:

Try cracking your knuckles and you realize that not all the same fingers on both sides are able to crack! That one is just strange; but kinda goes in line with the difficulty you presented with one finger hitting another or writing and the like.

I also tend to organize other people's things. Like if I am at my friends, I will have to organize his games and what not. And I can't stand it when he leaves his games out of the cases or throws their cases to the side and puts the games in sleeves. I want to line up all the games perfectly!!

So many things coming to mind now... *dies again*

Shizuko

09-23-2007, 07:04 AM

I also tend to organize other people's things. Like if I am at my friends, I will have to organize his games and what not. And I can't stand it when he leaves his games out of the cases or throws their cases to the side and puts the games in sleeves. I want to line up all the games perfectly!!

So many things coming to mind now... *dies again*

Haha, I do that too.....I also organize things in public places like the stores..if something is out of place and I don't fix it...it will drive me crazy.

Zankoku no Yami

09-23-2007, 07:05 AM

Haha, I do that too.....I also organize things in public places like the stores..if something is out of place and I don't fix it...it will drive me crazy.

SAME! Oh God, you dont want to see me in a book store or a video game store... I am constantly fixing things.

Which is why i should work at one... it would keep me busy... *twitch* so many people moving things around, putting things down in the wrong places, messing up the books and mangas!!

I might give myself an attack thinking about how people treat books now... crap...

Okami-Kun

09-23-2007, 08:46 AM

I have clinic depression, dating back to my youth. It wasn't as aggravated then as it seems to be now (probably amplified 100x by the teenaged mind, and 10x more by the problems caused by it).

I recieved my depression as a genetic inheritence, thanks to a family history of depression. I can be set off easily in a down mood, and I have self-esteem problems.

The depression has been the key factor that led me to act the way I did with my previous relationships, and was, in turn, what had effectively ended them.

I'm caught up constantly in the past, something I am trying to remedy.

Thanks to both the depression and the circumstances of my previous relationshps, I have trust issues. Where I'm afraid of opening up to other people (only a select few has earned my full trust...and only one remains today). Now, for instance, is frightening for me. But I try to imagine this as posting only code to a server, and not opening up to anyone in particular. It's a vague demographic, and not one person that I'm relying on for support...which makes it a little easier.

It seems all my life, I was trying on different masks. I was an outcast in school, trying to fit in by reshaping myself over and over to the point where by middle school, I didn't even know who i really was anymore. It never worked, I was constantly bullied and got into a few fights, where I was left bruised and shaken emotionally.

The depression is something I am trying to overcome now. I hold on to the bad emotions of the past because they will be very useful in my acting...but I refuse to use them until I can cope with them. Otherwise it's too dangerous, and an entire scene can be ruined by me falling too deep and being unable to control the emotions.

Shizuko

09-23-2007, 09:23 AM

Cristina

09-23-2007, 10:17 AM

Thanks for sharing everyone. I'll attempt to say what I've been going through.
*Deep breath*
I have always had self esteem issues, which manifested themselves this summer when I started my new job. I was always constantly worried if I was being too quiet, too happy, not interesting enough, ect., and had a fear of being lonely later on in life. However, when I started to realize that my fears were completely untrue, I began to fear other things.

My biggest fear right now is that my life is just some fabrication. I don't know how this can be scary, but it just is. It started when I was having a good time in New York (kind of like a "hey, this is too good to be true!" moment). That one thought exploded into a fear of psychosis, schizophrenia, ect.
What's worse is the fear that my fear will come true because of how much I think about it.

I feel like I'm only a fraction of my former self. It hurts me so much even just to be around others who are leading happy, normal lives. Somedays I can hardly do anything but sit around and cry.
I want to act. I want to sing. I want to be with my friends.
I just can't do those things right now. Everything in my life is going well, I just can't enjoy it because of the constant fear that something bad is going to happen.

It feels good just to type that out. I don't want anyone to pity me or anything, just wanted to get that straight.

Minty

09-23-2007, 01:06 PM

:| Maybe it sounds childish or insensitive, but I feel horrible reading/hearing about these kinds of things. I get mad even. Kind of like, why does it have to exist? Probably because it's intangible powerful and huge. And still real and so hard to fight. I've done a fair bit of study to do with mental health, and you just learn that there's so much grey area, and no easy clear-cut way of solving 'it'.

I can empathise with parts of what some people have said .... I don't know if I have depression; I mean I have really dark days and I also have a lot of 'issues', and I don't know what causes what or how much of it is all the same thing. But I guess I know how it feels to suffer. I was told once that these moods are normal and hey, for all I know they probably are - I just got mad then too, because I wanted it to stop.

I used to write a lot.

I have a kind of social anxiety, mild by comparison. I just get scared of silly things ... like calling people ... eating out with friends ... it doesn't show and it doesn't make sense - being paranoid that people are observing me, that if they're talking or laughing it's about me, that if I make a mistake or have even a slightly unpleasant encounter I'll ruminate on it for weeks.

But again, alongside other people I have nothing to complain about; I've been lucky, and I still hate it.

Zankoku no Yami

09-23-2007, 05:23 PM

Mochan

09-23-2007, 05:43 PM

I think I have slight anxiety. Like when I get lost in a city or place I'm not familiar with or when I'm in a place that I just DO NOT want to be in, I'll have a mini-freak out. I get over it quick and it's gotten much better over the years, being able to control it and the situation better. I normally just take deep breaths and try to assess the situation.

I guess you could say that I have really low self-esteem. I try to look the best that I can and when I don't look good, I get really depressed. When one little thing is off about me, I just want to lock myself up and never come out again. I do take my appearance very highly because I've always felt like the ugly one of the family...

I actually am really lucky though, I've never been really too depressed or really too anxious and I have been grabbing hold of it lately. I wish everyone here the best of luck with everything.

Kitty

09-23-2007, 05:47 PM

Oh man. I can relate to most of the people who have replied on this thread.

I think it first started out when I was 12/13 when my best friend died. I immediately fell into a really bad case of clinical depression, and I hardly spoke at all. My dad and stepmom, like any middle/high class surburbia parents, took me to doctors and therapists. It also didn't help that this was the time that I was anorexic as well. Then, on top of all that, my medical condition that I've had for all my life suddenly was aggrivated by all my changes to my emotions and diet (or lack of one, I didn't eat at all, except when forced to), I started getting attacks of panic and anxiety. Plus, I'd black out for periods of 5-10 seconds every hour, about 10-30 times.

Once I got into 8th grade, I was slowly changing my life for the better, by getting out of my shell and making friends. I was still not eating, and I still had my depression and anxiety spells.

In present day, I'm really doing a lot better. I have more confidence in my appearance and overall personality, and I feel like myself for the first time in my life. I don't think you ever "get over" depression or the anxiety. I get over my fear of being alone by forcing myself to start shopping by myself, and sitting alone at lunch on Fridays. It's definitely helping me. I still have attacks, but they aren't as frequent. Maybe 10 times a month, with 2 bad ones. I still black out, but it's only a few times a week now. Luckily, I have amazing friends that support me, and I couldn't be happier with my life right now. <3 I try to help out everyone I can who has had some of the same stuff happen with them now; I'm sort of a "come to" person to rant to. Which, if any of you want to talk to me, just send me a message, and I'll definitely respond. X3

Erica

09-23-2007, 06:13 PM

Cristina, when I met you a few weeks ago, I would have never imagined that you had all this inner turmoil going on inside of you. I almost wish this would have been something we could have talked about, despite it being a bit of an awkward conversation, because I feel like I can relate to how you say you've been feeling. If it's any consolation, I honestly think you're a wonderful person just based on the what.. maybe 5 or so minutes were talked together.

Sorry if that's considered pity, but I just felt that as a friend, it needed to be said.

I honestly don't know the true definition of anxiety, so I've never really thought of myself as having any.. but after reading through this thread, I can relate to at least one of every thing people in thread thread are going through. This thread is a big eye-opener for me, so I might as well share some of what I guess would be my own anxieties as well:

- I've kind of come to terms with the fact that I'm most likely going to be lonely when as I grow older. I'm not able to make friends and I partially blame that on the fact that I moved around a lot when I was younger because my dad was in the army. We were never in the same place for more than 1 or 2 years at a time so I'd have to leave my friends at school and then make new ones at a different school every few years. I just kind of gave up on trying hard enough to keep friends at that point. And now that I've been in the same community for about 7 years now, I've made plenty of friends.. but I only have about 5 that I still talk to and even then, it's not on a daily basis.. maybe once every week if that. And I don't make the effort to ask them to hang out with me because I'm afraid of being rejected for any reason. And coincidentally, everytime I ask my friends over, only one is able to ever make it and its really disheartening so I don't call my friends over to do things often.

- I've been made fun of constantly throughout my life. By friends.. classmates.. family.. even random people in everyday situations. Because of this, I don't really try to stand out as a person. I tend to stay off to the side and mind my own business while others have fun. I'm SO afraid of being ridiculed for saying or doing something stupid, that I won't even raise my hand in class to give an answer in fear of it being wrong.

- I'm extrememly paranoid. When someone walks by me on the street, I'll look behind me after they pass to make sure they're not following me. And when I hear people laugh, I always ask myself if they're laughing at me for something that I did.

- It's a bit different online, but I generally don't try to stick up for myself or give my opinions on things because I don't want people to hate me. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

- I just want to fit in, so my personality tends to shift based on who I'm taking to. Again, I don't want people to hate me, I want to be accepted by whoever I'm talking to.

- And I never really feel that anything I do is good enough. Singing, voice acting, drawing.. whatever it is I HAVE to get some kind of praise for me to be able to recognize that what I'm do is okay. But even then, most things I accomplish are just considered average for me. Like I could do better, but I didn't.

- I. Don't. Like. To. Fail. I've cried to myself during math tests because I get so frustrated that I can't figure out the answer.

- I can't look people in the eye. Not sure exactly why this is, but I've gotten a little better at it. But sometime it just gets so uncomfortable that I have to look away and stare at something else for a little while before my eyes meet theirs again.

- Also, I think I might have like a mild form of OCD.. My things have to be kept decent looking. If fact, I just sold a perfectly working DS to my friend just because it had scratches on the outer cover and I bought a new one. And I get sooo pissed off when I let my friends borrow my manga only to find a slightly bent corner when they return it. I even make sure that the manga is almost PERFECT when I buy it. If it has the smallest blemish, I'll put it back.

..I think that's it.

Mochan

09-23-2007, 06:28 PM

I feel the same exact way, and it's terrible feeling. I hate looking at myself in mirrors and one of the reasons I am scared of going out in public.

I never got many compliments about my looks when I dressed and looked like a normal girl, mostly it was friends and family members that said stuff. but the are friends and family members, they are supposed to say nice things. Lately I been dressing in Jrock style that boys would be more likely to wear. I have been mistaken for a boy but I got more compliments about my looks from strangers. =/ Depresses the hell out of me, guess I look better as boy than a girl, but I been dressing more boyish now and not so afraid to go out in public for that reason anymore. At least people won't think of me as a ugly girl.

It IS terrible. I hate feeling like I always need to impress other people with how I look. But I just feel like I need that reassurance somehow, that I can and do look like a normal, pretty individual. I've had (and still have) a lot of issues and won't be satisfied until they're fixed, like, with surgery. Isn't that awful? :/
But hey, at least you found a look that works for you. :3

- I just want to fit in, so my personality tends to shift based on who I'm taking to. Again, I don't want people to hate me, I want to be accepted by whoever I'm talking to.

I'm the exact same way. It kind of coincides with the above mentioned of wanting to look my best. Just want to be accepted so badly. My personality switches drastically depending on the situation and the people.

Cristina

09-23-2007, 06:30 PM

Wow Erica, you and me have been through very similiar situations.
I would have loved to talk to you about this stuff, but Disneyland isn't exactly the best place XD;;. You can always give me a call (I'll PM you with my number).
But you know what the up side to all this worry is? It just means that we are caring, sensitive, and apathetic people~

Oh! One more thing...
Please do not self diagnose by reading the things on this thread. TRUST ME, I've done it before (looking up things on wikipedia, ect) and it just makes matters worse and can create problems that don't even exist~! If you feel like something's up, go to a doctor~
*needs to take her own advice*

Erica

09-23-2007, 06:35 PM

Wow Erica, you and me have been through very similiar situations.
I would have loved to talk to you about this stuff, but Disneyland isn't exactly the best place XD;;. You can always give me a call (I'll PM you with my number).
But you know what the up side to all this worry is? It just means that we are caring, sensitive, and apathetic people~

Yeah, I know XD;;; Not that I had time to either way. My family was rushing me lol.

I'll give you mine number too, but I'm like.. awkward with phones XD; And I have this thing calling people since I always feel like I'm bothering them so i generally wait for people to call me ._.;

And yes, this thread is pretty therapudic @_@

KitsuneSqueak

09-23-2007, 07:27 PM

...I don't think I have any sort of anxiety disorder...

...But Rika...you just summed up my life right there.

@_@

MaNa Shuffle

09-24-2007, 07:12 PM

agnose by reading the things on this thread. TRUST ME, I've done it before (looking up things on wikipedia, ect) and it just makes matters worse and can create problems that don't even exist~! If you feel like something's up, go to a doctor~
*needs to take her own advice* I did that before and it made myself more paranoid T_T. It's gone now thankfully XDDD

I have no clue what this is lol but I just sometimes wonder about odd things and doubt.
Or I don't feel like my age compared to some other people who are my age out there. its like they are more mature than me and it hurts thinking about it.

Taco

09-24-2007, 07:24 PM

xD; I was diagnosed with tourette's syndrome/Massive OCD in 7th grade and depression in 8th grade. Started seeing a counselor at centers in 8th grade and was discharged earlier because I had apparently gotten better.

.... Yeah, I kinda did. xD; The tourette's and depression were both hereditary, the former coming from my asshole of a dad and the latter coming from my mom. I learned how to deal with depression most of the time by thinking of everything as a [1] learning experience, and saying things like 'well, this didn't happen exactly as planned, but at least this is an upside ...' [2] thing to see humor in. xD;

Recently the depression has kinda been coming and going at random times, but i'm managing, thanks to some very good friends of mine. <3

The tourette's is still there. xD;

MariaVu

09-24-2007, 07:34 PM

Life moves so fast and our emotions/bodies have trouble keeping up....hence stress, anxiety, panic and depression!

I have had anxiety disorder since my daughter was born and I got divorced. I know that it is due to too much stress and unfortunately for many of us--situations that cause us too much worry are hard to overcome. Anxiety can hit you in weird ways---you can feel like your having a heart attack, seizures, paranoia, asthma and even black out.

Flight or Fright Syndrome is hard to overcome but not impossible. I used to get adrenaline fueled anxiety attacks until one day my mum made me go out more and start living and try hard not to sweat the little things. It is VERY difficult I know...when the panic sets in and you feel all alone and believe you are some mutant that will never be normal and you start to envy all the people who are happy and going about the daily routines that you would kill to be able to do.

You just have to learn to breath and try to look at things in a more positive direction. It will still take some times but slowly you'll start to see the difference. Like days when you don't feel antsy or nervous and those days turn to weeks and then to months. I still get the occassional attack but they are nowhere near what they used to be.

And lastly.....talking to people who have similar experiences helps. It reinforces that you are not the only one going through it.

Smile-chan

09-24-2007, 07:48 PM

I also have anxiety problems, but I don't want to get into details.

As for cures, I don't know any but crying and taking nice long baths soothe me at times.

Rikka

09-24-2007, 09:25 PM

Do I... sense a tl;dr post coming up? Yeah, I think I do.

I echo a lot of things Erica has said. A lot of things. I don't consider myself depressed and if anything at all, I think I probably suffer from some sort of social anxiety. Never once been to any doctor about any of this because... we just don't go to doctors in this familly, apparently. Not only that, but my health insurance expired when I was 18 and we can't afford the super-expensive health insurance my school offers. Just hope I don't need to go to the hospital (for the second time this year) anytime soon.

I can't talk on the phone. I hate the phone. I can talk to my mother, I can talk to my sister, my cousin, and a few other family members comfortably. But anybody else? Forget it. I dread, dread, dread having to call school officials, some random supervisor, the people at my mother's significant other's church, peers, anybody. I just can't do it. I have to be forced to do it. Last year, I decided to call my friend (the one I call "sempai" and that's the only thing I ever refer to her as) of about 6 or 7 years now (and it is a miracle I even retain a relationship with anybody for that long) for her birthday. It was about 6:30-7:00PM when I decided this. And I practiced what I was going to initially say (because, again, I just can't talk on the phone comfortably. actually, I can't talk comfortably with anybody that's not my mother, sister, or that one cousin, and ALWAYS, without fail, feel the need to rehearse what I'm going to say). And once I got what I was going to initially say down, I took the phone, lied down in my bed and prepared to dial. This was about a little after 7:00PM.

It took me nearly 4 hours to actually dial the number. I started staring at the phone at 7:00~7:30-ish and I just stared and stared and stared at it. Did a little pacing. I like pacing. I do it a lot, actually. Just walk in circles for no particular reason. And by the time I forced myself to call somebody I've known for 6+ years, it was 10:45PM. (...And... nobody picked up... but that's another sad, depressing story of another one of my fits of self-loathing I won't go into.)

This year, I actually managed called her on her birthday again. Granted, it took a few ~dial... ringing... hanguphurryhurryhurryi'mnotreadyyet~ sequences before I actually spoke to her. Yeah, I told her I'd only call once a year because I just can't talk on the phone comfortably unless it's a (certain few) family member(s).

80% of the time, I'm too afraid to talk to people. I hate being called on (oh, "Literature & Society" class. Why must we read aloud in class? I thought we were done with that in high school??). This awful, awful feeling wells up inside of me every time I realize I might just have to actually open my mouth. I'll say "Hello" to a person, but anything beyond that... I just don't know how to respond. This is one of the reasons why I don't think I'll ever get married - not only because I'm just not interested anybody (I think I might be stuck as an elementary school girl that goes "Kissing? EWWW!" for the rest of my life) but because I can't talk to anybody.

I'm dreading those student-teacher conferences my various professors are making us have. I'd much rather jump off a bridge, despite the fact that all my professors thus far have been honestly nice people. I'm supposed to set up a meeting with one of the counselors in this program I'm in... just a "Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall Semester!" one-on-one meeting... Have I set it up yet? Definitely not. Do I plan to? Not at all. Gosh, I hope he doesn't call or email or anything demanding to meet up with me.

I also can't handle people thinking badly of me. Sometimes. If I get into an argument with someone and I know I'm right, that's fine. I'd rather not fight, but if I'm right and you're most definitely wrong, wrong, wrong, that's okay. I'm not too worried about that, usually. But if I do something wrong, make a mistake, act obnoxious, idiotic or something and somebody basically tells me to shut up/stop it, I can't handle it. I start feeling physically sick, almost nauseous, because this time, it's my fault/mistake, not the other person's. This past July, I think I had the one and only really bad anxiety attack I've ever ever had because of what somebody on this forum (see? it doesn't have to even be someone I know in person, or know very well at all) said. And the thought of this person (note: that I've only interacted with on a few occasions, THAT I DON'T KNOW WELL AT ALL) thinking badly of me because I was being loser-y/bimbo-y just... ugh. I ended up going to bed super-duper early because I felt like jumping from my 8th floor apartment building and had this horrible feeling in my stomach and chest that just would not go away. I go to sleep when I'm sad. And when I woke up, that horrible, almost I-can't-breathe-I'm-going-to-die was *still* there. So, I stayed in bed until about 3PM-ish. Because the feeling was so bad that I just couldn't get up without feeling like I was going to die on the spot. So I just drifted in and out of sleep until 3PM. I remember trying to get on the computer at about noon-ish but I just felt like I was going to die any second now so I couldn't even handle that. I only felt better after the issue was resolved. (I think I might have just over-reacted.)

Strangely...

None of this at all applies to critiques I get on my voice acting (or web design). You can be as harsh as you want to be, and I'd never ever get too upset over that.

Nowadays, I often feel like crying out of the blue, but never do. This feeling only really shows up during the night, oddly, unless someone does something to provoke it during the day (see: my mother).

Summary for the tl;dr-feeling people!: Rikka cannot handle talking on the phone. Not even to friends. Don't call her, she won't pick up. She also can't talk to people in general. (Did I mention I have a really hard time looking people in the eye?) Rikka cannot handle people thinking badly of her as well. If she finds out about it, she'll spend hours and hours in bed wasting away, waiting to die. She only feels completely comfortable around her cats, 2 of who probably hate her anyway, 1 of who is just plain too weird to know how she feels about Rikka.

Shintarou Inuzuka

09-25-2007, 01:36 PM

I was diagnosed with depression about a year to a year and a half ago (it was before I joined the VAA, I know that). I also have another mental disorder, but it's not related really to anxiety or anything like that.

It's probably both combined that's causing this, but I always feel like in some way I have to be worth something to people. I can't stand the thought of being useless or completely lacking talent, as I see everyone else as having some value, so I must prove that I do as well. Trouble is, I have a hard time believing that I AM talented, especially since when I was in high school, I had loads of talent: I had tons and tons of intelligence (I was ALWAYS at the top of the class in high school, especially in science and math), I could write computer programs, I could pick up languages pretty easily, I was one of the top singers in the school and a brilliant actor ... and then college hit me like a ton of bricks. Once college came around, I started to fail math and science; I was dead last in my class in science despite studying for hours and hours each day, and I couldn't even complete 1/3 of the only semester of math I took in college for a very ironic reason: despite the hours and hours of studying I put in, my grades were so low that it was mathematically impossible for me to pass the class at that point. (To make matters worse, my goal going into college was to become a doctor, and that pretty much killed it.) I started failing auditions for musicals and plays (I tried out for I think every play that they had except for one my freshman year, and I got rejected from all but two, one of which I was in the previous year in high school. That means that my sophomore and junior years, I came up COMPLETELY empty when it came to getting cast in plays -- I was even rejected from the chorus and was often not only the only guy who didn't make it into the musical but was sometimes double- and triple-cast out of roles even back then! Now you see why I'm so sensitive about that!), and my singing voice just wasn't what it was in high school. Computers became more and more advanced so quickly that I couldn't keep up with them, and I ended up having to drop my computer science major when I realised that I no longer had the skill to do this and started ending up in danger of failing those classes as well despite all the effort I put into those. Japanese was my best subject, but I'd think for someone who's been studying it for 4 years and has lived there for almost a whole year total that I should know more than I do. In college, I started out doing great in aikido ... then I started to really fall behind. Because of that, I keep fearing that any talent that I have is going to eventually disappear and that no other talent will take its place, and I can't stand the thought of that happening. I always feel like having no talent = having nothing I can do well = having nothing I can offer to this world = I become useless = there's no point in me even existing, and because of that, I always MUST be good at at least one thing that people can actually like and appreciate. I don't know, I guess having something I can do well somehow justifies my existence, at least to me, and lacking something I can do well leaves me with a lack of such justification.

I also have a huge fear of people hating me and a feeling like I'm somehow "less" than those around me. It's also way too easy to "walk all over me." My grade school years, I'll admit it right here and now to all of you: I was the school bully. I would always pick on others for no good reason, and I was a problem. The school's solution? Hire a physically abusive police officer to follow me around and attack me whenever I did something wrong. After all, no jury would convict him; who would they believe -- one of "America's Finest," or a bully? I went through that for two years, but at least my social life was okay. However, in middle school, the tables turned. A whole new group of people who weren't even around for it started picking on me, often making rude comments of a sexual nature, and it spiraled out of control. I had pretty much no friends once my best friend moved away, and by the end of 8th grade, pretty much every student in the whole school was picking on me. People even used to start fist fights with me for no reason, something I didn't even do when I was in grade school. When I went to the teachers for help, there was none to be found; apparently they had the delusion that the sources of the problem were perfect little angels who would never harm a fly. On the last day, when the final bell rang, to say I was on cloud nine that I didn't have to spend another second in that hellish situation would be an understatement. High school and college weren't all that bad, though I ended up getting sexually abused and stalked in college, and I was always achieving less than my classmates for putting forth even more effort than they were when I was in college. My time in Japan was excellent overall, but then I went to Korea. If you're not thin, I'd advise you to stay out of Korea. If you're not fluent in Korean, I'd advise you to stay out of Korea. (In reality, I only had 2 months of exposure to Korean despite having been there for 5 months since my first job was pretty much cut off from the rest of society, and we lived and did pretty much everything on the job site. That's not a lot of time to have to become fluent.) I don't want any of you to have to deal with what I did, such as:
- People calling me fat and ugly -- even adults -- on a daily basis. This includes verbal taunts, students drawing pictures of me as a pig or an "ugly guy" during art time, students taking the markers and drawing pictures of me as pregnant on the board and basically being greeted as either "big chest" or whatever word for "ugly" they knew in English or "fatty" or "pregnant" in Korean. I don't think there was one single day when I went out in public in Korea, and none of those happened. It got to be so bad that I can't even introduce myself in Korean -- I can barely count to 10 in Korean -- but I know lots of ways to make fun of someone's weight. Having an entire nation pretty much in unanimous agreement that I am fat and ugly really helped shaped my body image. Thanks, Korea, home of only three women's sizes.
- Constant harsh and destructive criticism from everyone I met regarding how I was doing on the job (nothing I did was good enough, and it was their OWN DAMN FAULT for not telling me I needed to speak fluent Korean to do well!)
- The general public looking at me like I was some piece of garbage. Even taxi drivers spent the entire time chewing me out about this and that, and I was even giving directions in Korean!
- Almost having been physically assaulted (both I and the person who tried to assault me were sober, but even though he was an old man, if I would've thrown a punch, I would've been deported ... considering that it took place there, though, in retrospect, maybe I should've)
Basically, those five months seriously took a toll on me, (especially the last two, where I had the job where I was treated especially poorly and was seen as only an object; just to give you an idea of how bad it was, I injured my leg during my time there, and no one even bothered to help me find a hospital, instead telling me that "it's not serious; just live with it." Turned out I had severely injured one of my leg muscles. Keep in mind that they knew that I couldn't speak enough Korean to be able to understand or even find a doctor.) even to the point where I spent the majority of the last month wishing that I was dead. It was just that awful -- especially the last two months, in which I was basically treated as though I'm not even a person but rather a tool to just be used and thrown away when I'm no longer necessary. (They were even hiring new teachers right in front of me. Then again, I don't agree with the ethics of that company as a whole.) Even when I was 2 years old, the DOCTORS told my dad that I would never amount to anything in life, and he might as well dump me off at an institution and forget I exist. I also grew up in a really strict family where even being silly when I was a little kid was pretty much forbidden, and we had to be "prim and proper" all the time. Also, I'd be dead to them if they knew some things that are beyond my control, so I feel almost like I'm loved somewhat conditionally. So, yeah, I've been basially taught throughout my life that I'm below everyone else.

I also have a real problem with worrying about everything and assuming everything's going to go wrong because things seem to do so all the time, especially when it comes to jobs. I hate living at home because it's going from a life of freedom to a life of strict rules and regulations that restrict pretty much every aspect of my life and going from being able to be me to having to mask almost everything about me, since almost all my traits are deemed "undesireable" at home. However, the problem is, I've been working hard my whole life, jumping through hoops and even enduring hardship (Korea, anyone?), and it seems like my reward for that so far has been just completely unlucky breaks. I ALMOST had a job even before I went to Korea when I got a call from one school that said they were looking for a teacher right away, and they wanted me to move there. I confirmed with them three times whether or not I had the job, and they said yes. So, I went over there only to find that what I had was an interview where it was obvious right from the start that the employer did not want me working for them. So, instead of the contract they promised me, they told me to move back to where I was and that they would not hire me, despite the fact that they said that they were desperate for a teacher to start working right away. Then, I spent three months at home trying but failing to find a job, working 8 hours a day just trying to find anyone who would hire me, but no one would. After I left Korea for a job I was promised in Japan (and had them confirm), an administrative error cost me the job that I had just gotten last month. (That was an honest mistake, and at least they're making an effort to help me find another job, but I'm still left under the gun and out most of the money that I spent to come here, and if I don't find a job in the next few weeks, I'm back at home without any job prospects.) I always panic when I'm under the gun, and I'd say that this is really under the gun. I can't even move away from home, because doing that requires money, and gaining money requires either a job or a huge stroke of good luck, neither of which I would have if I were back at home.

I'm also scared of failure, because repeated failure leads me to believe that I'm not very good at what I'm doing, and I already described that.

Basically, yeah, I'm messed up. I unfortunately have had a tendency to always just let it loose on others who don't have any advice and are uncomfortable with me doing so, and I'm still trying to find other ways. Voice acting has definitely helped; when acting, you get to, at least for a little while, sorta "become" the character and leave your regular persona behind (and it fulfils the "talent" thing, at least for now). I've been going to karaoke pretty often; the quality of my singing voice is highly debatable, but I enjoy doing it, and when you're at karaoke, no one cares if you can sing. However, I need to find a way to undo the years of damage that has been done, and that could take awhile.

ClymAngus

09-26-2007, 03:19 PM

Well reading thought these pages has been for me (at least) something of a humbling experience. It amazes me in this day and age the staggering number of people wading through day to day crap in order to get here.

Society is a fight. Some times its insurmountable (I'm surprised more people don't stay in bed) that said I also noticed that audio has helped people. We all get to know the voice not, the look. I freely admit I'm not a very nice person to spend time around socially, but here I get to measure my responses which I don't tend to do in real life. I get time, and with that luxury I can better balance the worse demons of my nature.

So in some ways whilst it's bad to see so many people working through crap here at the same time it's encouraging to see people interacting in a way that doesn't hurt them.

Through audio we become much more than we think we can be. In fact we can become anything we desire. That's incredibly important for those of us who wish for a calm existence and don't get it. Here we can construct the world to our needs and share this insight to others.

Good for the soul this thing called sound.

fthrll

09-26-2007, 05:48 PM

So in some ways whilst it's bad to see so many people working through crap here at the same time it's encouraging to see people interacting in a way that doesn't hurt them.

Through audio we become much more than we think we can be. In fact we can become anything we desire. That's incredibly important for those of us who wish for a calm existence and don't get it. Here we can construct the world to our needs and share this insight to others.

Good for the soul this thing called sound.

Well said, sir. That's really nicely put.

If it's of any hope to anyone going through a bad time, a close friend of mine had serious depression from childhood (their mother had been hospitalised with it, so it was partially genetic) and struggled with it and suicidal feelings for more than a decade. He was told it was chronic and genetic and therefore probably uncurable long term. Still, he read everything he could on how to deal with it, and with help from pills and some short-term counselling, he did finally manage to come out the other end. Now he has been living pretty happily for the last five or so years, off medication and with only really occasional panic attacks - a completely changed person.
In the midst of such illness or symptoms, it can be incredibly hard to see any kind of hope, but even very long term, clinical depression and anxiety really can be overcome with a lot of hard work and support, so never lose hope of that - and try to get all the help you possibly can.

All the very best and warmest wishes to everyone here who's doing a fine job in holding things together under such difficult conditions. Keep going. :)

Gabi Star

09-26-2007, 07:35 PM

Though I'm not really one to go into how me depression developed or why, I will say that I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 10 years ago and have been medicated for it since. A couple years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromayalsia, an illness in which stress in my muscles constantly cause the ones around my joints to constrict. It's very painful, usually manifesting itself worst in the mornings.

Apparently, though, most people with Fibromayalsia usually also have some sort of depression or anxiety disorder.

Has your depression ever manifested itself physically? Do you think things like Lupis and Fibromayalsia are a result from depression and stress, or that depression and stress are a result of the uncomfortable feelings with such muscle disorders?

vegitoth

09-26-2007, 10:48 PM

Well I dont know about the rest of you guys (and girls) but all my life I've dealt with this psychological disorder called Autism. If you got kids or know somone who has this disorder you'll know what it is. But all my life since the day I was born, everytime I went through something traumatic in my life be it anything either I'd go through a crying depression or remain in a quiet depression, even when any member tries to get me to smile when I don't want too it'll work for a split second but other than that during my childhood I didn't want to smile during a childhood trauma. I still to this day live in the most traumatic moments of my life, in eighth grade a month after I got home from surgery on my appendix, I was sitting in my desk ready for class to start and typically in school kids would talk and have a conversation, but on this particular day everybody was talking like they were in a barfight and one of the teacher could not control his temper and he punished every single person on our section of the school, he made us walk the backdoor to our next class and go the long way around, that same day I was steamed up to tears (that was my primary problem with autism I took things personal and back then I would get so steamed I would cry). The end of class came and he lectured at us I got angrier and angrier and angrier, when the bell rung I was close to the door but I got so angry I wanted to commit cold blooded murder on the closest person near me, but instead I ran back down the hallway and cried the teacher I had took notice and allowed me to go to the front of the hall, I was supposed to have Music next but I just went over to my Learning Strategies class and I should've damaged something or throw something but all I could do was hold it in and calm down. That teacher wrecked my life and it's because of him I just become cold to people who speak to me excluding some people who have become friends of mine and let me tell everyone something, those who know me well know the fact I'm a very caring loving person other than that I'm cruel and a jackass to some people.

2006 we were just getting back into school, a bad storm was coming so I made it to my van and I found my mom's once stationwagon and she gave me the offer to either ride with her or I follow her to my car dealership to get an oil change I chose the second choice and so I followed her out of school road and into the entrance of the city. Well admist of the drive I heard a honking noise right by me and a car CUT ME OFF DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO MY DAMN BUMPER and he wouldn't get out of my way so I'm caught with that situation finding that my mother was out of plain sight until we hit a stop light but I'm at that situation and I'm cursing at the top of my lungs even as I had my stereo and Garth Brooks on I could've shouted so loud for people to hear I was pissed. That same week I found out who did it they had my Creative Writing class and I when I found out it was them who did it I yelled at them and sparked an arguement with them that the teacher sent me and my writing partners outside the class room so I could calm down but I was not going give up until I had revenge because I found out later that they had ties to some girls who I was hanging around with. I called them up and told them I didn't want anything to do with them or anyone of their friends ever again especially the person who cut me off. So right then and there I never spoke to them again now I just call them a bunch of mother-fucking tramps. Also about that guy, I give him the cold shoulder because I hate him but he doesn't leave me alone so I'm being pretty much persistant.

One afternoon on my fourth period class, I was just sitting in my desk minding my own business waiting for the final bell to ring when out of nowhere this one girl told me I was cute and wanted to go out with me but I told her that I was going out with someone else and didn't want to go out with her she asked me her name (which I do not want to give out due to the after effects of what had happened next). When I gave her name out she told me that she was going to talk to her and possibly hurt her to get to me and I was steamed to the core and I started yelling at her and it sparked an arguement between us and everyone else because everyone wanted DETAILS DETAILS DEEEEEETAILS which caused my arguement to be even worse I got up out of my desk and I told the teacher about this and she yelled at her and made her apologize to me but it didn't stop there it kept going on and on and on until finally I said that IF SHE LAID SO MUCH AS A FINGER ON HER BAD THINGS WOULD HAPPEN. Bell rings for the end of class but already I have an extremely bad temper that if any of my enemies would come to me and confront I WOULD BEAT THEM DOWN, luckily for me and them it did not happen but when I got to my van I laid my stuff down and I violently banged my hands on my steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs I almost lost my voice and I almost had a heart attack (litteraly almost had one.) The morning after that I was talking to my best friend Jacket and told him of the situation and he told me if that were to happen than me and her need to press charges for sexual assault and assault so I made a vow that if it happens I will press charges for assault and sexual assault. We are keeping it quiet for now but I am now more than determined to pass English 4 because I am going to be an early leaver and I hope I do not have to put up with her or anybody else in that classroom ever again but if I ever do end up with that girl again then I will not talk to a single soul in my high school (excluding the three souls who I care deeply about the girl, Jacket, and my Learning Strategies teacher.)

Cheshire

09-27-2007, 01:04 AM

I've always had some self esteem issues here and there. I was always really, painfully shy when I was younger in elementary, and I suppose it didn't help much that I was bullied a bit at school. I was picked on for my appearance, the fact that I couldn't afford to buy all the "trendy" clothes or whatever else was popular at the time, and the fact that I read considerably more than I talked. After that, I became really self-conscious. I absolutely loathed having to participate in group projects in such at school, and God forbid I had to ever get up and say something in front of people. And I could probably count the number of friends I had at that time on one hand, because due to my insecurity, I never really talked to people.

When I went into eighth grade, I hit a really rough patch that went on for about a year and a half. Depression runs way deep in my family, and I'm apparently another one of the grandkids who caught it early on, because I was down. There were times when I started to cry for just no apparent reason, I didn't want to do anything but stay at home in bed, contemplated doing some very stupid shit...I was just completely overwhelmed. At the same time, I was dealing with some abandonment issues, and it didn't help matters much that I was being forced to be uprooted and move away from the one place and the few friends I'd known all my life. The fact that I never talked about or expressed what I was feeling didn't help much, either. I always felt like I'd be bothering someone. I saw a psychologist a few times, but I felt like the sessions were hurting more than they helped, so I stopped going shortly after and started sorting through things on my own. Thankfully, I had some friggin' amazing friends, one of whom especially helped me sort things out, get my head straight and come out of my shell a bit, and just generally get better.

I think I'm at least a little bit better than I used to be, now. While I still don't like it much, I can get up and talk in front of people without having a panic attack. I'm a bit more confident and comfortable with who I am, though I've still got a long way to go on that. I'm still fairly shy, though, and have a hard time starting conversations with and meeting people, because I worry far too much what people think about me. And, like someone else said, I kinda get weirded out if I hear people laughing suddenly when I walk past them. I don't get stressed out or depressed too often now, though when it does happen to hit, it hits me hard.

One way I've found of dealing with my fear of not being liked/being thought negatively of/etc. though, is to make myself to do things, no matter how much I worry about them. I think something I say might not be accepted by everyone I'm talking to? I say it anyway. I think people might not like something I wear (anime T-shirts, anyone? xD; ), or think I'm weird because of it? I put it on and make myself walk with my head high. I find that, for me personally, at least, even if you're really worried about something, just making yourself go through with it can help you so much. They say public speaking gets easier every time you do it, and it's true, and I think the same holds for a lot of other things.

Also, whenever I find that I'm feeling really overwhelmed and stressed by something, to the point that I just cannot take it anymore, I just tell myself "HEY. STOP. BREATHE." I'll just take a moment, close my eyes if I can, and breathe in deeply. Then, when I breathe out, I force myself to let go of whatever's bothering me. Whenever the thought comes back into my mind, I'll force it back out and think of something else, until I feel calm and relaxed enough to address whatever I need to deal with.

And while I still don't do it all that much, I find that just talking to someone about what's bothering mecan often be the best way to de-stress and relieve myself. It's always nice to have someone to hear you out and maybe offer some advice, or just to listen. And if you feel you can't do that, just write your problems out. Any way you can release them and stop them from being bottled up is great. <3

Damn, this came out longer than I meant it to be. 8D;

vegitoth

09-27-2007, 10:35 PM

By the way if anyone wants to know how I'm recovering, you can thank a certain country artist for rescuing me out of a spiraling depression. His name is Jack Ingram, the guy that sung Wherever You Are and Love You but there's another song of his that rescued me was Never Knocked Me Down. I may still have bad days but when that happens I'll turn to him and his music to save me.

Mauru

09-28-2007, 12:47 AM

ajrich

09-28-2007, 02:44 PM

I take realy bad anxiety and panic attacks,they triggered after i came back from california so its been a year now.They usualy occur when im stressed or theres to many people around me i feel like i cant breathe.It got that bad i now take online courses for highschool instead of reguler school.

But i gotta say i think im gettin over it cuz i havent had problems with it in like a month ^^

Nikki Wright

09-28-2007, 08:04 PM

Alright. I know this is late, but I've been having some issues with actually being able to move threads, as well as some browser problems. :/

Since this is a somewhat serious topic, I'm moving this to To Be or Not To Be. :)

SidheWulf

09-30-2007, 04:26 AM

I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression...the latter comes mostly in spurts. The OCD is less external than internal (repeating things over and over in my head, etc)...

I'm not sure exactly how I "cope," but when especially bad episodes come up, it really helps me to confide in someone. It helps me feel less isolated.

I'm also taking medicine right now, but I'm trying to get myself off of it (it's not working for me). I've had a number of counselors recommend relaxing techniques. *shrug* It tends to not work for me because the nature of some of my fears, but when I can do it it really helps. Maybe that would help you...?

Okami-Kun

09-30-2007, 08:03 AM

Wow, this is all really hard to read, simply because of how real it is. One thing that has affected me as much as my own depression is the depression of my peers. I've always been the one who has tried to help anyone who needed it. And for certain friends, that need was constant. I got so tired out because I didn't have my own outlet, and was only able to hear things from one side. It was only recently that I was able to meet somebody kind and caring enough to listen to me.

It's really a shame to see this kind of thing happen. It's nothing that can be helped sometimes...just a chemical inbalance of Seratonin (sp?). Sadly my faith in humanity has been shaken due to a mixture of depression and working retail for so long. It really doesn't help when there is insensitivity and narrow-minded opinions floating about.

Cristina, I thank you for creating this post. It's a strong move, especially for this demographic. People suffering wtih depression have their entire lives altered by it, and it really helps knowing there are people who care around, and who can relate. Meeting you at Anime Expo, I never would be able to guess that you suffered in such a way (goes to show that depressi ncan come in many shapes and sizes). In all honesty I envied you ^_^. You have so much going for your career that I desire, and for such a young person. We've all got things to overcome. It's good to know that we don't have to do it alone.

Zankoku no Yami

09-30-2007, 05:42 PM

Wow, this is all really hard to read, simply because of how real it is. One thing that has affected me as much as my own depression is the depression of my peers. I've always been the one who has tried to help anyone who needed it. And for certain friends, that need was constant. I got so tired out because I didn't have my own outlet, and was only able to hear things from one side. It was only recently that I was able to meet somebody kind and caring enough to listen to me.

It's really a shame to see this kind of thing happen. It's nothing that can be helped sometimes...just a chemical inbalance of Seratonin (sp?). Sadly my faith in humanity has been shaken due to a mixture of depression and working retail for so long. It really doesn't help when there is insensitivity and narrow-minded opinions floating about.

Again, I have to say that we are brothers man. You describe me perfectly.

Though, I am also empathetic. Meaning when I am helping people who are depressed and the like, I pick up on it. And, its a long story, but due to the way my brain is able to process things... I actually begin to think things that I never thought before. Even just being around someone who is feeling negative emotions, not really hearing them say what they are or show them, i start to pick up on them. It gets really bad and then aniexity kicks in and... i have to get away for a while.

Hatomikazuki

10-01-2007, 12:41 AM

No doubt, is easy to find people with psychological disorder in the internet, I am studying to be a clinical or counseling psychologist, I am too, I am one of the sicken. But what has really helped me is to stay in treatment and never give it up, never. even if it seems is not working.

I say is easy to find people with psychological disorders in the internet because I read that one study says that most people with mental illness spend a lot of time in the internet.

I know a lot of psychological/psychiatry information if someone needs information PM

The reason so many people with depression and other problems go on the internet, is because it's like a bubble. A safe bubble where you can be anything, and no one will know you. A lot of people on line think I'm nice...But everyone normally thinks I hate them (I don't, I just give off that impression). >__> Which is rather depressing...to know people think you hate them...you know? /__\'''

Cristina

10-01-2007, 01:16 AM

Cristina, I thank you for creating this post. It's a strong move, especially for this demographic. People suffering wtih depression have their entire lives altered by it, and it really helps knowing there are people who care around, and who can relate. Meeting you at Anime Expo, I never would be able to guess that you suffered in such a way (goes to show that depressi ncan come in many shapes and sizes). In all honesty I envied you ^_^. You have so much going for your career that I desire, and for such a young person. We've all got things to overcome. It's good to know that we don't have to do it alone.

When I'm out and my mind is busy, I do a lot better than when I'm at home with an idle mind~ Unfortunately, it's becoming harder and harder to make plans and get out of the house 'cause all I wanna do is sleep. Apparently, I've learned to mask the pain pretty well. I remember once at work I was having a very very hard day, yet a co worker told me "You are always so happy and smiling. you just sh*t out sunshine and happiness." (he wasn't being sarcastic) I feel a lot worse when people are able to tell I'm going through a hard time~
But I'm still carrying on, I have a new recording schedule for the next few weeks. We just have to do our best, one day things will be okay.

TESM

10-01-2007, 04:09 PM

An idle mind can indeed allow one's self to regress back to the past, whether good or bad times. Memories are humanity's blessing and curse. However, on two important notes, I belive those who have suffered are better suited to take care of and know those who have suffered.

Kind of how people say that you don't know how to love unless you know pain.

In another sense, in my own formation and vocation, sacrifice and doubt are a part of how you cement your convictions. Remember that there are good and bad anxieties... again, however, a lot of it is will power.

Seeshelle

10-09-2007, 03:50 AM

this is my kind of topic. because
1. i always feel depressed but i don't show it so have to put on fake smiles and laughs.and it gets frustrating.
2. depression makes me wanna cut my wrist.
3. there are times where i feel anxiety

How do you cope? i just let the feeling wear off, do something i want to do or think of happy/laughable times.
If you have recovered, what helped? like i said with coping it

-----------------------
wow..i've been reading some replies here and i feel so bad. here i am complaining while yours sounds more important..i'm sorry people TwT

Okami-Kun

10-11-2007, 03:26 AM

I have been feeling a bit wierd about my depression lately. Thanks to the encouragement of a very special and close friend, I was able to start going to therapy in order to cope with my emotions. It hasn't helped to a great extent so far (the on school therapists are usually trainees, so I play along).

I've just started a script of medication that I hope will help me. But so far, I've been using creative writing as an oulet for certain emotions, so far I've created two original short stories for my English class that have secretly helped me a bit. I will continue to try hard to better myself...not just for my benefit, but for the benefit of the few friends I have.

Cristina

10-13-2007, 03:49 PM

I have also started therapy. I feel horrible that my parents have to spend so much money, but I have a good feeling about this.

Kitty

10-13-2007, 04:09 PM

I have also started therapy. I feel horrible that my parents have to spend so much money, but I have a good feeling about this.

I was in therapy for a year, and I know it's really expensive (mine cost around $100 a week), but it's really worth it.

I would never have become the person I am today without it. Just make sure you have a good therapist you can relate to, and everything will be so much better, I promise. Hang in there, I believe in you!

Okami-Kun

10-16-2007, 05:38 AM

I have also started therapy. I feel horrible that my parents have to spend so much money, but I have a good feeling about this.

^_^ it's good to know you feel good about it. I'm still kind of skeptical about mine. Like I said, the on-school therapists are mostly in training, and we are just their test subjects (they exhibit alot of textbook reactions, which really distills the effect). I'm sure you'll do alot better than me Cristina with someone who's an actual professional helping you. Good luck in your endeavors!

And Kitty you are most certainly right, it helps to be able to relate to the therapist x_x.

Zankoku no Yami

10-16-2007, 12:45 PM

Tch, therapists suck. I've been to so many and not a dang one seemed to either 1) care or 2) do anything to help. All they do is ask pointless quesitons, prescribe me EVERY medicine BUT the one that works, and waste cash. But, then again, like one of the psychiatrists said to me... some people go their entire lives without finding the correct one. Some people can easily find someone to consolt with, while others, like me, are quite out of the norm with their feelings and thoughts and there doesnt ever seem to be anyone to help.

So to those who can find the right person, I am happy for you. And rather envious...

Erica

10-17-2007, 12:56 PM

I saw a cousellor once.. and hated it. Like Zank said, all she did was ask pointless questions and it just felt like a waste of money, so I didn't go again.

I honestly got more relief from talking and crying to my mom about everything that was bothering me.

Cristina

01-03-2008, 05:37 PM

It's been a couple months, I hope everyone is doing well.
2008 is a fresh beginning~!

Trent

01-05-2008, 08:04 AM

Hey, y'all! I haven't been to the boards in like... 6 months, which is the reason I'm getting into this discussion so late. But since it's still somewhat active...

I've suffered from social anxiety disorder and general anxiety for pretty much my entire life. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 18 years old, just days after I got my first "real" job (I barely made it through the interview -- I was stammering, sweating, my face was burning, and I knew any minute I would pass out or pee my pants). This was also a time in my life when I might have begun unconsciously using a technique which turned out to be quite useful. That is, to tell yourself that you ARE what you want to be. That you possess qualities that are important to you, qualities that you admire in other people. I successfully used this idea to become a much more confident, outgoing person... while I was at work, anyway. I'm still working on more fundamental improvements.

My anxiety is mostly about unreasonable fears. The social anxiety is a bit more complicated but I think it has a lot to do with self-esteem issues. But I believe that most, if not all of it is LEARNED behavior, and the answer is in figuring out how to unlearn it all.

Ways that I cope with anxiety:

DRUGS
I have been on anti-anxiety medications, off and on, since I was 18. Drugs have not "cured" me, but they have made it much easier to function in new surroundings/situations, and socially. Of course, everybody is different, and drugs may not be an option for everybody. I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist, but then social-phobes are not likely to do that, since it involves talking to someone.

TURNING OFF MY BRAIN
Over-thinking facilitates my anxieties. I find myself thinking WAY too much about stupid little things.
Examples:
"If I do [this], people will think [that]." (and I end up doing nothing)
"There's no bathroom here. What if I pee my pants?!" (and I don't need to go anyway, but since I'm thinking about it, I think it's gonna happen)

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM & SELF WORTH
There are a couple of methods I have been using in this regard. I discovered both of them fairly recently, and they both incorporate the technique I mentioned above. These are the law of attraction, and self-hypnosis.

The law of attraction basically says that what you think about is what will be attracted to you. Your thoughts control your reality. The law of attraction is explained in detail in a book and movie called "The Secret." I highly recommend that everyone read and/or watch it.

For information about self-hypnosis, visit Joshua Seth's web site (http://joshuaseth.com/). I'm not sure I fully grasp the whole self-hypnosis thing, but I have been using Seth's "Unlimited Confidence" program, and it has been helpful. Essentially, it's also about controlling your own reality with your mind.

TALKING TO PEOPLE
Okay, I admit that I absolutely hate to talk to people about my problems. I do talk to my brother, though, who has some of the same (and some very different) anxiety issues. And I'm (sort of) talking to you guys. And I think it really does help. Knowing that other people are going through the same thing you're going through I think makes it easier to overcome.

SCARING MYSELF
Like the song says, "Do something every day that scares you." Do something that you wouldn't normally do. The more you do things you're afraid of doing, the more you realize that you don't need to be afraid of things.

Thanks, Cristina, for creating this thread. It has honestly been helpful to me, in particular because you are one of my heroes, and you are proof that a person can become successful in spite of these sometimes overwhelming challenges. By golly, there's hope for me yet!

Seriously, thank you. And I sincerely hope that you have been benefiting from the discussion as well.

MaNa Shuffle

01-05-2008, 04:58 PM

I dunno what this is but I had it for a long time.

I'm always scared or nervous to do certain things even if its a good thing.

I sometimes feel negitive etc. I worry that something bad happens etc

But it turns out different than I expect. Which is a good thing.

It's usually when it's new to me.

I need to do more things this year. If I don't experience them. I wont know that they are like. Things that are new to me can make me panic when I don't know what to do...So I'm trying my hardest.

I also get all scared to even watch something because I dunno what to expect.

I hate it.

Ran

01-05-2008, 05:13 PM

Well I can't say that I have had any disorders...and I don't think Ive been diagnosed with any so probebly not.

However, I was once a real paranoid person! I was a very paranoid person 2 year ago and I can relate to what others have said on the board which is pretty scary.

When I do get paranoid/worried, I panic. I even get a nervous feeling inside and If I don't do anything about it, I try to forget about it but getting rid of it/sorting the problem out Is my no1 priority. If I do forget, then I will remember and the cycle will repeat Itself.

It was very bad in 2005/end of 04 where It was trying to take over my life. I had wait a while to sort It out but was relaved (sp) when It was over.

I still get these "worries" these days but they arent so bad (07/08) I even paniced last night but coped and I couldnt sort it out but I still remember it but It isnt bugging me as much. So Its good that this has calmed but I did have one bad one In 2007 where I paniced so much that It got me upset.

I sometimes feel pathetic walking in public (well college, other locations dont realy bother me) people just stare at you o.O Its weird.

My New years goal for this year was to gain more confidence. I have lost alot of confidence throughout the years. I had so much untill that turned into a little and now It has gotton worse. I also have problems asking my family for things. I want to be fair and I hate It when they say no and when It something big...I know it wont happen anyway but I cant ask. My experience over the years have dumbed down the confidence so asking is my weakness. I can ask in public but Ive had very few experiences where I struggle with asking.

I can only trust a few people. It can be hard to believe some people so thats why some things in the past have turned into world war 3 :(

Failure hurts. (Not Online auditions etc but IRL) Long story.

I sometimes go through a "phase" where I feel like I'm going to cry out of the blue. It lasts for a few days.

I used to be pretty bad at looking people in the eye...I just couldnt...however that has improved

- I've been made fun of constantly throughout my life. By friends.. classmates.. family.. even random people in everyday situations. Because of this, I don't really try to stand out as a person. I tend to stay off to the side and mind my own business while others have fun. I'm SO afraid of being ridiculed for saying or doing something stupid, that I won't even raise my hand in class to give an answer in fear of it being wrong.

- I'm extrememly paranoid. When someone walks by me on the street, I'll look behind me after they pass to make sure they're not following me. And when I hear people laugh, I always ask myself if they're laughing at me for something that I did.

- It's a bit different online, but I generally don't try to stick up for myself or give my opinions on things because I don't want people to hate me. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

- I just want to fit in, so my personality tends to shift based on who I'm taking to. Again, I don't want people to hate me, I want to be accepted by whoever I'm talking to.

- I. Don't. Like. To. Fail. I've cried to myself during math tests because I get so frustrated that I can't figure out the answer.

- I can't look people in the eye. Not sure exactly why this is, but I've gotten a little better at it. But sometime it just gets so uncomfortable that I have to look away and stare at something else for a little while before my eyes meet theirs again.

I can relate to what you wrote

I can be paranoid when I hear laughing in public. Ive even had my fair share of looking behind and worrying that Its me. Online I know how it feels. Theres times I don't want to give out my opinion just incase people turn...well nasty and such. I'm the opposite of what you said about sticking up for yourself online. I have stuck up for myself and sadly that has got me into some sort of trouble and has pretty much ruined my 1st impression of people. I don't like to be hated either. I still feel that I'm hated now but that might not be the case. Things have changed but when it comes to people, It doesnt feel like it.

I used to try to fit in years ago. Its even happened with family. I don't tend to do that now....I do want to be accepted but It'll probebly end up me being alone.

Thats all for now??

~Ran

Tali

01-07-2008, 04:15 PM

I'm lucky that I don't have any serious anxiety issues. I went through a bad time when I was about 13 but thanks to close friends i got over it and now I just have the usual teen "Oh my God where those people laughing at me?" moments but my Dad has hyper anxiety disorder and about a million problems like the ones many people described. He coped til he was in his twenties, then went to a psychologist who gave him medication. It helped him loads and though he can't recover from his problems he is so much better now. But he always says I wished I'd said something earlier because he was surprised how many people understood and it comforted him that there was a name for what he had and he wasn't alone. So my advice to anyone who's scared is to tell your doctor or someone because although its scary it is a step in the right direction.

Nathan Dorian

01-07-2008, 09:53 PM

Hullo kids!

I've suffered with social anxiety disorder for a very long time, since I was around 9 I think. I am now 19. I think the reason that it started so early is because I had a very shakey home life that at some points was rather abusive and difficult. But what really caused it, in my opinion, is the constant bullying at school from the age of 6 that got progressively worse every year.

I suffered with depression for a long while, again I think because of the bullying and home life troubles. I used to cry every day and was generally miserable. I did not self harm really, I was just very uncomfortable with my life and felt completely helpless. It was a battle just to get to sleep every night because I dreaded having to wake up again.

My life has improved dramatically in the past two years, partly thanks to building courage and partly thanks to my wonderful partner. I still suffer with anxiety but it has been improving steadily, and I just got my first job.

I suffer less with depression these days and more with gender dysphoria. I was diagnosed with 'Gender Identity Disorder' less than a year ago now I think, but have been living full-time as male since I was 17. Soon I shall hopefully be medically transitioning as well. (I am a female-to-male Transsexual.)

SakuraLee

01-12-2008, 08:45 PM

- I've been made fun of constantly throughout my life. By friends.. classmates.. family.. even random people in everyday situations. Because of this, I don't really try to stand out as a person. I tend to stay off to the side and mind my own business while others have fun. I'm SO afraid of being ridiculed for saying or doing something stupid, that I won't even raise my hand in class to give an answer in fear of it being wrong.

- I'm extrememly paranoid. When someone walks by me on the street, I'll look behind me after they pass to make sure they're not following me. And when I hear people laugh, I always ask myself if they're laughing at me for something that I did.

- It's a bit different online, but I generally don't try to stick up for myself or give my opinions on things because I don't want people to hate me. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

- I just want to fit in, so my personality tends to shift based on who I'm taking to. Again, I don't want people to hate me, I want to be accepted by whoever I'm talking to.

- And I never really feel that anything I do is good enough. Singing, voice acting, drawing.. whatever it is I HAVE to get some kind of praise for me to be able to recognize that what I'm do is okay. But even then, most things I accomplish are just considered average for me. Like I could do better, but I didn't.

- I. Don't. Like. To. Fail. I've cried to myself during math tests because I get so frustrated that I can't figure out the answer.

That all applies to me.
I cry when teachers tell me off at school even when its just ' Stop talking please'. Actually, never mind that, I cry when anyone has a go at me really.
Yes, I will admit I did cry when I got 9 1/2 out of 10 on a test.
Maybe my expectations were just way too high, but I hate failing.
If I'm not praised I assume it was horrific whatever it was that I did. And usually end up redoing that entire thing.
Today for example I said something and my entire dance class turned around and looked at me. Hell, I nearly died right on the spot.
I'm really self concious, so much so I don't like people standing to close to me.
I also have VERY bad moods swings, and I can go from having a laugh with my friends to crying in literally a split second. To being angry and throwing horrible comments to people. And back to being happy.
I kind of scare myself sometimes. ^^;
About giving answers in class I'm really always scared- around 99% of the time to find out it was right and end up kicking myself for it.

Cristina

01-16-2008, 10:14 PM

Edit: Changed my mind about posting here~ :x

Yugure

01-16-2008, 10:31 PM

I've always had trouble.

In public if I bump into someone I can bearly even say "excuse me".. it comes out in this nervous whisper, and I don't look anyone in the eye unless I already know them.

Also, I'm a bit slow mentally and have constant short-term memory loss because in elementary school and middle school things always managed to get thrown at and HIT the back of my head. I'd say the average times a week of people throwing basketballs and footballs at me was like, 2.5 a week. Because of that, I always end up letting people down or not-doing something that was important to me. Also it screwed up my sense of time, so I'll sit here for what seems like 30 minutes and it'll be midnight when I look up. I hate it.

I'm really frustrated by that, and it's like... there's nothing that can be done. I'll just be lost and forgetful and hurting people and not have any way to stop it. And trust me- I've tried every method of remembering things, but it really doesn't work.

It's also really hard when my friends are all drama-whores. I swear.
They wouldn't admit it but they are.

Example: friend 1 listens to her cd in her car because 'she's the driver'. when I'm driving I have to talk with her (which is dangerous!) and I can't listen to a cd or she'll act like "I'm such a bitch I don't even wanna talk to her, and shes such a screwup!!"

friend 1 has times she wants to 'be alone' and not talk to anyone, but she doesn't allow me that leisure. If I don't wanna spend the night with her (FOR THE 3rd NIGHT IN A ROW) then "I hate her."

friend 1's room has been cleaned by friend 2 and me more than ONCE because her room has no floor or safe areas. I'm not kidding. It's been cleaned 3-4 times to perfection and next time we come over it's back to climbing over piles of you-don't-wanna-know.

friend 2 wants my attention on everything she does that she's proud of. When I have something I'm proud of she blows me off with a cold "I don't wanna see it" or "I already saw it. put it away!"

I mean, and I don't have enough social skills to tell them that I'm not their slave without making friend 1 pull a pity-party/I'm-the-worst-person-in-the-world-so-I'll-go-kill-myself trip.

This gives me an astronomical ammount of anxiety and depression. And I'm sick of being sympathetic and appologizing when THEY need to appologize. I have no idea what to do, and it stresses me out whenever I am communicating with them about anything using any medium.

If they see this- then I hope they know that I'm tired of them making me feel bad and/or shunned. If they really care about me, then they won't mention this, and understand that they are not perfect and they need to understand/accept that... As well as understand my reasoning for not talking about it- because they'll get grouchy and hang-up on me when I try to have a logical conversation so I can be happy too. And they won't say shit about being horrible, because that's a pity-party.

At this point I don't even want an apology- I want change.

Kitty

01-16-2008, 11:18 PM

Yugure, I know how you feel. Two of my friends (senior girls, in fact) are such drama whores that I'm counting the days until they graduate. ;] I don't hate them, but they sure do have a problem with me. You have people in your life like that, don't let them get you down. You have to stay true to yourself~
-----

Auuu..I've had a bit of a rough time lately..Though most of mine was a few months ago. I just had some really bad issues in my life that really took a toll on me, both physically and emotionally. I really was suicidal (so I thought) and really freaked out a bunch of my friends. I remember very little from October to mid-November, actually. I do remember that I got to a point where I was in dire need of help, and my dad and stepmom didn't notice me at all, and I finally freaked. I'm lucky that I had a great friend call help for me, and my dad and stepmom finally saw what was going on.

In the end, I've tried to start over this year as best as I could. I've been casually dating a great person for a few months almost, and have kept myself busy with schoolwork, college things, and piano. And friends, of course. I've gone to a few specialists, and they are starting to think that I'm bipolar. It's really..really hard to deal with, but I can see that the more I look at myself, the more I see it too. I have my normal personality; cute, fun, loves everyone, and never ever depressed. Seriously, I'm normally so hyper and happy, it's like I'm on drugs. And then..I've got my other personality that is really depressing and causes me to lash out at everyone. The doctors I'm going to see have started to look at putting me on medication, and I already have to start taking another medication for a different health issue, and I'm kind of scared. I've got a very weak body, and the medicine I already know I have to take will "cure" the issue, but weaken my body in the process,especially with the sun. Soo many things I have to watch for when taking any type of medication.

It feels weird posting this online. But hey..I'm sure someone's going through it too. And I'm here for anyone and everyone who is going through anything~ ^-^

Shintarou Inuzuka

01-16-2008, 11:18 PM

Warning: this gets pretty heavy near the end.

Since the last time I posted here, things have gotten a hell of a lot worse. Ever since I got back from Japan having failed to find a job there (thanks, NOVA and the place that gave me the fake job offer, for completely crushing a man's dreams; even in NOVA's death it managed to take my dreams down with it), to be honest, I have found nothing that truly makes and keeps me happy. I have not been able to go one single day without feeling just incredibly sad, hopeless about the future and, especially lately, completely worthless. I see the one and only remaining thing that I could pursue that I actually like the idea of doing long-term and would actually be somewhat happy to have as a career (voice acting) as completely unreachable, both because it's pretty much impossible to break into the industry and because ... well, I'm still on the low end of the totem pole when it comes to talent. The clock definitely is ticking for that, though, because if my voice then changes to too much of a mature voice, it won't be even close to as usable in the industry, so that seems like a now-or-never situation, and so does Japan since almost every single teaching job there (the one and only way to break into the Japanese workforce unless you're either fluent in Japanese -- impossible to do alone -- or LUCKY enough to be at the right place at the right time in the right company, which would mean I'd essentially be trusting my fate to a roll of a dice; yeah, really good idea there). Unfortunately, I'm making zero headway towards either one because, quite simply, I'm in no position to do so. I live so far away from any voice acting studios and have no other job prospects anywhere where I could hope to get a job in voice acting, and Japan is pretty impossible now because of the collapse of NOVA (http://www.globalvoicesonline.org/2007/10/21/japan-nova-on-the-brink-of-collapse/) since there's no possible way I could become fluent in Japanese anytime before I'm old when I'm living where I am now. Not only that, I have nowhere NEAR the talent necessary to do either. With those two things out of the picture, I have a nagging fear that the best is behind, at the "ripe old age" of 23. That's too damn young to have nothing ahead of me that'll even come CLOSE to what's in the past! That's where my hopelessness has been stemming from. I also fear that I'm losing my touch when it comes to voice acting, and that's the only thing I really do well, and I've always had a fear of having no talent whatsoever, since I don't see how a talentless person could be useful. However, if I don't find my way to a happy life soon, the clock's gonna run out, and the best part of my life will truly have ended within the first quarter or so of my life, leaving just the remains for the remainder of it ... and with all I've experienced so far, I absolutely CANNOT be satisfied with things just being ordinary and there being no excitement left, and I especially cannot be satisfied with 60-some-odd years of just wishing for and trying to obtain but never reaching anything that comes close to the brighter days that I once had but know will never return. I have found zero evidence whatsoever that my future is going to be bright, and until I find some shred of evidence that points to the idea that the best is yet to come and that there is a bright future for me, I see no reason to kid myself into thinking that there is a bright future ahead of me.

Then there's this constant sense of depression and inferiority. It seems like there's this nagging feeling in the back of my mind like in every aspect of life -- and as a human being -- I am fundamentally inferior to everybody else. I always feel like the worst, the least talented, the ugliest, the least pleasant and just overall just plain subhuman. Even especially starting a few weeks ago, I have even felt that way towards voice acting, like everyone is so much better than I am that, quite simply, who needs me when they can have someone with a similar voice range who's just plain better than me? The same goes for everything else in life, since even though I'm just a mediocre voice actor, I consider myself absolutely horrible at literally everything else that could actually be useful in finding happiness, and when I'm absolutely horrible at pretty much everything and only mediocre at everything else, I can't shake this feeling of "who needs me, anyway?" So, I constantly feel down, and I constantly feel worthless, even to the point where I'm intimidated by pretty much everyone because I just feel a sense of inferiority to everyone. I see no reason to have confidence in myself because I have yet to justify it by actually being above average in SOMETHING good.

However, above all, I've just felt a tremendous sense of terror. The first thing that's been scaring me is the idea that there's such a high chance that now I really have nothing to work towards. I'm also afraid that if a few not-safe-for-a-Republican-city secrets about me get out, seriously bad things will come my way. However, it gets even worse. Please don't think ill of me for posting this, but to be honest, ever since that thing in Korea, and even strongly after my dream of being in Japan was squashed, I have had these nagging, persistent fantasies of my own death. I'm serious about this; every single day at least one has crept into my head. I have felt like, because of this feeling of "who needs me when they can have someone better," it has rapidly escalated to "everyone would be better off if I never even existed." I'm afraid to tell my psychologist about it because I'm worried she's gonna like lock me up in a mental home. Despite these fantasies, I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of committing suicide, but I worry that she might think that I do and have me locked up, thus completely putting an end to my quest to have a good future. I'm torn between wanting these death fantasies to go away and not wanting to be put in a mental home or otherwise blocked from any possibility of pursuing my dreams, thus leaving me with nothing if/when I ever get back on the outside.

I have not been successful in pulling myself out of this intense state of fear. My medication apparently is not enough, because the feelings of worthlessness, desperation and even the death wishes just seem to keep getting worse and worse with each passing day. I feel like every talent I once had has gone, and every way into any sort of future that could make me feel even somewhat happy/satisfied is barred from me. I'm so worried that something seriously bad is going to happen. I just don't know what to do!

I'm just so scared right now ... about pretty much everything.

KIWI

01-16-2008, 11:33 PM

This surprises me at how many people have some sort of anxiety problems. I get stressed out a lot and have developed trich (it's a littttle bit better now), nerve problems, and chronic trembling. All three weeks, I have major tests everyday. Yesterday, I finally had the worst case of nerve problems (around my ears, neck, cranium, and eyebrows) ever. My head started aching and I became nauseous (I'm also motion-sick o.O) so I couldn't talk to people for quite a few hours. I think I'm messed up lolz.

Yugure

01-16-2008, 11:33 PM

yeah... Kitty...

it's harder though, because friend 1 is my significant other.

Smile-chan

01-27-2008, 10:11 PM

Whenever I feel depressed, I always get angry at myself.
I start thinking, "Why the freak am I self-pitying myself?!"
I then start thinking of things that could have been worse for me.
I then try to stop pitying myself, and it works. Of course a lot of tears and warm baths are involved, but I believe it really does help if you think of the positives.

A bit longer than a year ago, I was in an accident that almost took away my life. (Thank goodness for seatbelts. People, always remember to wear your seatbelts!) I was in the hospital for two months and I had a numerous amount of surgeries. Sure, I was upset and angry, but then I realized that it could have been so much worse. I could've died, but I didn't.

A couple of months ago, my uncle urgently needed a new kidney. No one in my family could donate because they all have weak bodies. My family prayed and prayed and my uncle finally had his kidney surgery. He's still not at his 100%, but we feel so fortunate that his body didn't reject the new kidney.

I have so many more stories that I could share with you all, but it might put you all to sleep! xD
The point is, I think being positive is an amazing defense against depression. Each situation in your life could've been worse, but it wasn't. I think that's something to be happy about.

CRYING+WARM BATHS/ONSENS+SWEETS = <3 <3 <3

Steven Mane

01-28-2008, 09:52 PM

I'm just so scared right now ... about pretty much everything.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, only I have actually gotten to the brink of doing myself in.

Believe it or not, the best thing to do is just laugh it off and raise some hell. I've coped with depression for a long damn time and I find myself having anxiety attacks triggered by caffeine or too much sugar. I personally drop off into my own world for hours on end, imagining the day I become famous and when I come out of it, I realize it is possible.

So, the best medicine is to blame everyone else. Believe me, this actually works. When you do, you begin to feel superior to everyone else, then you can control your ego and bring it back. Better to be overconfident and knocked down a peg then to sink into a dark abyss where there is no escape.

Yugure

01-29-2008, 03:37 AM

Everyone- I know we all have those moments of "radical thoughts" as I like to call it...
Last night I had a break-down, and if it weren't for my love, then I would probably doing something dangerous or generally stupid.

But if you think about it, you really are important to people. Your family, your friend(s), or even people online sometimes.

I know that I am why my mom keeps going, because she wants to make it so I can live better. I know that I am important to my friends, because some of them would otherwise do nothing, do something bad, or just... not be happy.

Even though I have my own problems, I try my HARDEST to be happy when I'm with people. I'm kinda f-ed up psychologically that way. I feel the need to be happy and not show any pain/unpleasantness infront of others as to keep them around me, and I also get mad when I cry because I think that crying is useless (it doesn't accomplish anything!).

talesoflife

02-12-2008, 04:18 AM

I just want to say that I love all you guys! I thought that I was the only person who feels this way, self-hating, extremely low self esteem, and have extemely odd habits like wanting to keep everything balanced. Hit my left hand if my right hand had been hit, I just don't get it. I can related to everyone's comments and I have to say that they have all made me feel a lot better. Thanks! I also want to say that you guys have a lot of courage in saying these things about yourselves and I respect you guys for that. And hope that you guys can get over your anxiety and depressions and WREAK HAVOC ON THIS CRUEL AND UNJUST WORLD!!!!!!

BigTUnit1

02-12-2008, 05:06 AM

I myself have suffered from my own personal demons. For most of my life, I have been alone. Sure, you have your family and friends, but I felt I was alone in my life. This feeling was most present once I hit middle school. I, like many others, hated what they were physically. I was fat, and that is never made friends easily. I was kind, and used my kindness towards others to shroud my own self hatred. I didn't feel like I had a single real friend until I was about 18, so I was always that guy who sat alone at lunch, hating eveyone, but hiding it behind a veil of kindness and compassion. This came to a head when the love of my teenage life, through a sequence of events, told me that she hated the way I looked. That day, a bully from my school made fun of the way I looked. I lost it, and attacked him. I broke his nose and gave him a concusion, and was suspended. I went in to my freshman year of high school with the same feelings in my heart, but something began to change. I began to finde outlets for my feelings. I was in the band, and I let out my feeling onto the instruments I played. I had people tell me that I sucked, and that my chances at playing well were hopeless, but I set out to prove those people wrong. by the time I was a senior, I was an all-region level player, and my confidence was boosted. Through my increase in ability, and gained maturity I realized that I dictate my own path in my life, and no one else does that for me. I decided that any endevour that I try to overcome could be overcame if I never gave up, and never let other people, even my own doubts, keep me from achieving by ambitions. I put this philosiphy into my voice acting. I put all of my feeling into my voice acting. The love, the tears, the hate, and the laughter, and now I am on the edge of becoming a VA for FUNimation. I will never give up on myself, and I will not let you guys give up on yourselves either. I haven't been here long, but I care about all of you, and only wish that happiness follows you wherever you go. Don't let yourself get beaten by yourself, because you are never alone. All of you deserve to be happy. I am more than willing to help you all in any way I can. Just message me. Hope that all of you find your happiness:D

talesoflife

02-12-2008, 05:33 AM

Cristina

02-12-2008, 03:56 PM

You guys are amazing~ :)
Remember though, we should try to let go of anger because;

1) It's a useless emotion.
2) It'll just cause for unhappiness and bitterness in the future.

Steven Mane

02-12-2008, 06:50 PM

Amen BigT.

You guys are amazing~ :)
Remember though, we should try to let go of anger because;

1) It's a useless emotion.
2) It'll just cause for unhappiness and bitterness in the future.
Actually, I have to disagree. For me, at least, anger and hate have been invaluable tools. By focusing on people that I really don't like, it pushes me to the limit of my ability and drives me to prove them wrong.

Anger is only useful, however, if you know how to control it. If you can't, you'll end up on the front page of the Chicago Sun-Times for a crime too heinous for words.

BroadwayPirate

03-14-2008, 05:24 PM

Cristina...I can relate to you whole heartedly.

I have an anxiety that you wouldn't believe.
Any little thing will set it off, I will stress over such little things to the point i get physically ill, it could even be something so simple as "i have to pick this up after school".

How I cope is meditation,
and Music.

I find that medidating and then relaxing with some music I like really calms my nerves.

Also, planning and schedules help me a bunch.

I hope this helps.

<3

-Sparrow

mewberry123

03-15-2008, 04:57 PM

well, you shouldent say its " useless" it isent, if every one was happy all the time then there would be practicly no emotion in the world so we need hatred and we need sadness.. or else there is no point in life itself we would all have the same meenings for that i wouldent want to be here at all^^ so we need anger and sadnees, we need all our emotions, because with out them, wed all be the same and there isent a point in living for that, were all indivijuals we should stay like that and lern to cope with al our emotions..emotions make us who we are. thats wat makes you you! so dont say there usless caz the make you who u are♥.thats all i can say for now...sorry if i dident help much..

Cristina

03-16-2008, 03:16 PM

Oh, I wasn't implying that we need be void of ALL emotion expect happiness.
Anger in general just has a tendency to lead to violence.

ecafrusehtrednu

03-17-2008, 11:53 AM

Ehm.. I'm kind of going through a phase. I don't believe I have a disorder.. But I have a sort of depression..

Sigh, I'm not going to just flat out say it. Something's been bothering me though. I don't know if I could call it depression, but it's definately anxiety. ..I want to tell someone but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't tell anyone, no one at all about what my problem is. Not even my parents, or my closest friends. Why? Because I could convince myself that everything will be fine if I just give it time. But I know I'm not satisfied with that answer! I want to let my friends know what's bothering me, but I fear so much that I will be backstabbed in the future, or be called attention-seeking.

Heh, but I guess I am attention-seeking. Sigh, I want to be put on the spotlight so that people can care about me, I wouldn't even mind if it was pity... I'm selfish.. But still, why is that so wrong? I haven't been selfish, maybe for materalistic things with my parents, but I've never done things that would make any of my friends aggravated or angry at me for something as I take too much of their time.

I'm sorry if this wasn't appropriate, but I just want to know.

Panzyo

03-18-2008, 06:19 AM

Also, I think I might have like a mild form of OCD.. My things have to be kept decent looking. If fact, I just sold a perfectly working DS to my friend just because it had scratches on the outer cover and I bought a new one. And I get sooo pissed off when I let my friends borrow my manga only to find a slightly bent corner when they return it. I even make sure that the manga is almost PERFECT when I buy it. If it has the smallest blemish, I'll put it back.

Haha. Quoting, like, a really old post, but whatever. That's how I am. If I didn't get personally attached to the great majority of my belongings, I'd totally sell my DS. I got angry at a kid in high school for returning a book to me with the cover bent and stuff. He got annoyed and reluctantly offered to replace it, as if it wasn't that big a deal. Man, he bent that thing to hell.

Why? Because I could convince myself that everything will be fine if I just give it time. But I know I'm not satisfied with that answer! I want to let my friends know what's bothering me, but I fear so much that I will be backstabbed in the future, or be called attention-seeking.

I think that might be the problem one of my best friends has. Like, everyone can tell he's got something going on, but he just won't talk about it. I don't recall exactly, but he may have confided in me at one point or another that that is in fact the problem.

Personally, I probably think I have more problems than I really do. I do know that I get depressed and I'm very often nervous. I often get that "I'm losing my mind" sort of feeling that I'm sure many of you are familiar with. I also get really worried that friends are going to stop liking me. I have strict touching rules and hate getting stuff on my hands.

I realize I can come off as sort of annoying, so I don't talk to a lot of people for fear of rejection. That's why I'm not really active on here outside of auditioning. I just dislike to be disliked, you know?

On another note, something's booping or beeping. I have to go see what that is.

MaNa Shuffle

03-19-2008, 10:26 PM

How I cope is meditation,
and Music.

I find that medidating and then relaxing with some music I like really calms my nerves.

Also, planning and schedules help me a bunch.

I hope this helps.

<3

-Sparrow

I had quite a bundle of stress a few times. Sometimes it feels pressure going up and when it's my turn to do something, and I panic so I have to leave that area.

The only way to prevent that is meditating so I agree with you with the meditation and calm music Sparrow <33

Although one time. I was soo stressed out I was taking deep breaths in panic. I really need to chill. I worry a little too much.

ai-honey

05-07-2008, 01:11 AM

I've been diagnosed with moderate/severe clinical depression for a few years now and I have been treated for it in that time. I have learnt that anti-depressants make you often wonder if they do anything, counselors are insane and psychiatrists answers to most things are to up your dosage.

It's not something I would wish on anyone and I'm trying to deal with it. Hypersomnia is the most prevalent symptom of it which is annoying as I sleep when I'm most depressed then make myself feel bad for doing so.

I feel the pain of everyone else here. I've come to the conclusion it is not something that will magically disappear but something I will learn to live with and control to the best of my abilities. I don't think that anyone who becomes severely depressed ever really completely irradicates it from their system, but instead learn the best ways of coping and enjoying their lives and don't allow themselves to slip back into their dark days.

Kyo_Starr

05-09-2008, 01:45 AM

I wouldn't go so far as to all it an anxiety disorder, but I find I let my anxieties compound until I get burned out. When this happens I get an urge to fix everything, absolutely everything that's been bothering me, NOW, which no human being can do :sweat When I have a situation that I don't want or don't know how to fix, I tend to get neurotic about some other problem (like I obsessively clean my room or fix my hair, two things that have been bugging me). I get over it, though I do sometimes stress myself out over really menial things. However, I recognize that obsessing over little things is often my way of sidestepping bigger problems, which is also not good D:

It seems like the common link is self esteem :\
I used to be given a hard time, so I guess I kinda just learned to be self conscious. Now that I realize that THEY were the ones with confidence issues, I can't help but feel this way 'cause it's all I really know.
I also tend to take insults to heart... Not to be confused with helpful comments; I love, love, love constructive criticism; I seek it out in all creative pursuits (writing, drawing, acting, singing, etc.) and always take it into consideration and do my best to act on it. But mean things ("You suck, just give up," for instance) just get to me ;-;

For some reason I'm very afraid of rejection, to the point where I won't get too too close to people. I have some friends and lots of acquaintances, but I guess I just haven't found a single person who I can totally confide in. Even my best friend can be overly critical sometimes, which really bothers me. (When I try to talk to her after I've had a bad day, the typical response is "suck it up." Love you, too. 7-7) Anyway-- I guess being clingy is my worst fear, so I do the opposite... being detached emotionally. I feel like if I start relying on anyone for emotional support, they'll ditch me. So I kind of just... tough it. Asking for favors is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm quick to grant favors to people I barely know and I'll help a friend in a heartbeat, but have a serious aversion to asking for help.

snowfender

06-17-2008, 02:37 AM

so i just now found this and i really need to post somewhere right now... good timing =x.

i think i have social anxiety and slight paranoia. i will be perfectly fine one day and someone will say something to me or not talk to me or just look at me and it can set me off into circles. how i hate myself. how annoying i am. how i can't say anything interesting. how i can't even make friends in online forums... seriously, it sucks. i don't know how people do it. i just can't connect with people, or i feel like i don't. i always feel like i could be better, that i should be better, and that i have nothing to complain about. yet i get these intense feelings of discomfort, like no matter what i do, nothing will ever be enough until i myself am completely different.

my paranoia isn't exactly paranoia, so i guess i shouldn't term it that. it's more of feeling that no one ever likes me or accepts me. like right now, i feel like my friend is ignoring me because i am pathetic and a bother and stupid and annoying. she doesn't want to hang around me because i only bring down her fun.

i've never fit in anywhere completely. ever. i try to be nice, in real life, online, but it feels like, no matter what i say or do, people will either look down on me or dismiss me. i don't know. what do i have to change? how can i change? i don't mean to throw a pity party. i just feel so lost and pathetic.

i wish i could blame all this on depression. but i don't deserve to be diagnosed with depression or paranoia or having social anxiety. it's my own fault and my personality and i'm trying to improve.. i really am. but it always comes back eventually. that's why i'm on here so much lately. music, writing, voice acting, they are all that fills my time. it does get me down though, too. i write, but i am not great. i play instruments and sing, but i am definitely not one to turn heads. i voice act, but i am definitely not the one who gets picked all the time. i know i will never be the best.. but i wish i could be GOOD at something you know? find my thing. but i don't have a thing. i'm just... that weird girl... yeah... i'm really trying to change, but it's so hard.

thanks for listening guys :hug

Kyo_Starr

06-17-2008, 03:23 AM

@ snowfender: No need be so hard on yourself =) Nobody "deserves" to live with feelings of worthlessness. Nobody who writes, sings, acts, etc. has perfect confidence in their abilities, either; usually they're acutely aware of their own small flaws nobody else cares nearly as much about.

To improve you have to kind of get the... "I may not be the best now but with time and effort I can be great" attitude and focus not just on why you think you're no good, but what your strengths are. Don't constantly criticize yourself because you'll end up creatively paralyzed. (I had to deal with this all year in AP Art, I'm only just now getting some real confidence in my abilities :sweat) And when you're paralyzed, you're too preoccupied with feeling bad to put your talents to good use, and you don't improve.

Oh yeah, and one more thing: how you think of yourself has a whole lot to do with how others think of you, so try not to let the opposite be true! (i.e., don't get it in your head that everyone dislikes you, because that will make it even harder for them to see the best of you.)

Most important thing: remember to think about yourself positively; artistic improvement will come, and you'll have an easier time with people :hug

snowfender

06-17-2008, 01:42 PM

thank you kyo_starr. you are such a sweetheart :hug i'm glad i've found other people who feel similarly. it's really weird. i get the same thing with insults and constructive criticisms. i love con.crit. because then it helps me better myself, but insults burn me and stay with me for days. i hope you are feeling better lately too. :hug thank you soo much.

Cristina

06-19-2008, 06:28 AM

Snow fender- I can totally relate on the whole self-hate issue. It's something I'm working on myself; I'm trying hard everyday to learn to love myself so that I can be a better friend and a better person to those I love. Keep working hard on your crafts, because I can tell you have a lot to give through your art. Thank you for sharing, I know how hard it is~

Cristina

07-10-2008, 06:27 AM

This is a message for those who happen to be reading this thread in hopes of some kind of comfort:

There's always a light in the darkness in everyone's life (yes, I did get that line from RHPS)~ Keep fighting hard for what you want and just know that however hard things seem now, there will be a day when you look back on your hardships with appreciation that you were able to learn and grow through them~ :)

XSakuraBlossomX

08-05-2008, 09:36 PM

I'm not too sure if this counts but here goes.

My anxiety started up about last year, I always seemed to have panic attacks when I was away from home for example if I went away on holiday I would always panic about being away from home, it would even happen if I stayed over at a friend's house and I would have to get my parents to come get me because I was in no state to stay there, it was like home sickness but times by ten.

My biggest problem started on my 15th birthday, Before that I kept on questioning why I was alive, as rediculous as it sounds I kept on having these thoughts in my head for example 'What is my purpose for living' they seemed to go away for a few weeks but on the day when I turned 15 they all came back up again, I remember on that day I felt so low and sad and even turned to self harming myself with a sewing needle to try and take the pain away because I thought that was right.

I did end up telling my Mother about what I had done that day and we both decided that it was time to seek mecial help for me, I really did feel horrible that day, especially when I heard my Mum crying that night and saying to my sister that she didn't know how to help me and didn't want me to do anything stupid.

I ended up getting worse from there, it was to the point where I refused to leave my house because I didn't want to have a panic attack in public and have to go home, I started to hate myself and at school I would randomly cry and my friends didn't know what to do with me and they all throught I was being over dramatic because they didn't understand what I was going through. It was a really rough time

I started having sessions at my local hospital with a therapist who really helped me, we came up with loads of ways to try to control the panic attacks and from there things started to look up, I began to look on the brighter side of life and my panic attacks seemed to gradually slip away.

I stopped seeing my therapist about a few months ago and I think I have really improved, I still do have panic attacks sometimes but they aren't as bad and I can easily control them, I would say that the way that I cope with them is to think of things that completly take your mind off anxiety, like maybe something funny or happy.

What really helped me get over them was realizing that everything I feared wasn't there and couldn't harm me, I think if you can realize that then it would be easier to calm yourself during an attack.

And I completly agree with what Cristina said in the comment above, everyone one day will be able to look back and see how well you have done and see that you can guide your way through the hard times in your life.

Normally it would take me a while to tell anyone about that but after seeing all the others before me that have posted comments it made me see that no ones alone when they have problems like this.

celestialsunberry

08-08-2008, 09:26 AM

I'm going to state a few things before I begin. One, that I have had depression, and while I struggle with it now and then, I have overcome most of it, especially the suicide part. Two, that anyone who is easily offended had better not read this. I post this as my opinion, not to any certain individual, nor does it apply to ALL situations. <3

It is my opinion that in many cases, depression is merly self-caused. If you have the power to be sad, you also have the power to be happy. I know we all get caught in the wheel of depression, but I believe that people are the masters of themselves--we have the right to choose. Depression is self-serving. It makes you the slave to it, and unless you fight it, it will become your master. There are times when you need to grieve. Good times and bad times. But wallowing in self pity won't help any. Sometimes depression is just because of mental blocks we refuse to get over but the fact is, depression is extremely selfish. It only causes you to look at you and only you. It doesn't aid you in thinking otherwise, that the sun still shines after the rain, or that there are beautiful things in life, and things to be thankful for, even IF you're about to die.

My second thing is that depression is often caused by sin. When you do something bad, you feel guilty. You may never apologize or wait until it's too late. You dwell on it far too much to ever to be healthy, and that will never do. Instead of taking care of the problem, we just get depressed. I've been very guilty of this lately, but at least I know that enough to begin to hope for something better, and to actively seek for it.

My parents taught me to constantly be bearing down on myself. I think this is why I have trouble with this, because I'm only looking at one part and not the whole truth and the whole picture---about what really matters and what, frankly, doesn't. This is why I believe you must have a constant, loving, positive envirnoment. This helps IMMENSELY, even if you have to create the environment itself. It can change your whole perspective to know someone loves you for all your faults and your good points. I know that helped me love myself--because someone cared enough to say it. So don't forget to tell people you love them! Sometimes they just need to hear it.

Russ

08-10-2008, 03:59 AM

There is a difference between situational depression and chemical depression. You can often get over the first via self-help. It is much harder to overcome a chemical imbalance in your brain - it has nothing to do with sin or mental blocks. It's simply that your brain is producing insufficient amounts of certain chemicals. You can learn to live with it, but you cannot generally overcome it without therapy and sometimes appropriate medicines.

ai-honey

09-07-2008, 06:12 PM

I wanted to share with you guys a really effective technique my psychiatrist taught me in my last session. It is from Buddhist teachings and it's from a method called 'mindfulness'. It's a way of coping with those bad thoughts. So if you're beating yourself up constantly by remembering sad/unhappy things that happened then this should help you.

Rather than trying to push those sad and unhappy thoughts to the back of your mind you should recognise them, but choose not to be engulfed in them. A good visual to imagine is this:

"Imagine you are a person on a train platform. A bad thought, symbolised by the train, enters the platform you are on. You can choose to get on that train and be taken over by these bad thoughts, or you can instead acknowledge they exist recognise that it is a sad thought but let them pass through."

It's about disconnecting from your thoughts, acknowledging that they exist and that they are sad/unhappy but not being affected by them. I can't say it will work for everyone but it's really helped for me.

Izzy

09-07-2008, 07:01 PM

Med for me with these things =o='
I am totally stuck with Anxiety and Depression from both my Grandma's. So now I am very bad at handling most things in life and my mum worries about me at school. I mostly get 'em in December and May every year in school. I dunno why, it just always happens to me then. I usually can't eat barely, I worry about everything and I cry about anything if you hit the wrong spot on me. I hate it soooooo much D:. I still get tiny anxiety problems in school, but I get depressed quite easily cause my mum yells at me a lot.
Ex.:
I get in honors for the first time ever, and only one other person in our whole family has gotten honors. On the first day of school this year, I find out I get Special Ed courses instead of my honors. So I'm kinda sad... I go home happily after seeing my friends and stuff and my mum yells at me. She yells how everyone will make fun of me, and no one will like me anymore and think I'm a retard. And my brother said, "Well, now when I call you a retard, you can't deny it." And so I had to rush off to my room crying. I heard my mum say, "And I was proud of you too..." So.. I cry all night.. Next day, I was depressed and get my schedule changed. When I get home, she yells at me again. And I'm off in my room crying.
She did it ALL 2 weeks ago when school started. I was VERY depressed.

And now I get to go see my Therapist finally~

Kennidy

09-07-2008, 07:24 PM

I am clinically depressed. My mother thinks I'm just a normal girl and everything's a phase, but really, it's been going on for the past two years now. I get really depressed for no reason and just think it's others faults when - in actuality, they did nothing to me.

Everyone tries to help me or just says 'It's okay'. Really, it's not 'just okay'. It's a serious mental disorder that could result in death. Dx

I'm really glad this thread was started. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Cristina

09-21-2008, 06:13 AM

I'm just popping in to give my periodical words of encouragement~
This summer was so much better than last year's. I haven't had a major panic attack in like, 6 months. So to those of you who believe that your anxiety/depression will never end, that should be proof that it will! I still have occasional bouts of sadness that are brought on my lack of self confidence, but I'm working on it :)~ Have a good day everyone!

Magic Kaito

09-21-2008, 06:32 AM

Why did I never notice this tread before? o.o

I have both Depression and Anxiety. They both got really bad when I was in high school, though I was only diagnosed with Depression at the time. Things got really bad for my after my grandfather died about five years ago, and since then I've been slowly trying to recover.

It can be a long road. I've gone through a lot of medications and a lot of diagonsises (diagonsi?). I had thought I had Anxiety for a while but it took til I got to college to have a doctor tell me. And I have other mental illnesses that aren't in this thread.

It is hard and can be debilitating. I'm still on the rebound after completely crashing and burning two years ago. I still go through rough times where I hate everything and everyone, especially myself (kinda going through one now ^^; ). And thanks to the Anxiety you now know why I barely talk here and never IM any of you XD;; I quit taking anti-depressants a while ago because they made me sick, so that's been an interesting experience as well.

But I do believe there is hope. One of my other mental issues (Trichotillomania if anyone cares) has gotten much better after like ten years. I still take medication for my Anxeity and a few other things and see a psychiatrist every once in a while, but so far this semester I haven't missed class without a reasonable excuse, which is actually quite an accomplishment for me.

So, erm, yeah, life story is over. Just popping in to add to the overall "we aren't alone" total.

MaNa Shuffle

09-21-2008, 09:02 PM

People can't just force me to ask for stuff. I can't force myself. It usually takes a while to think what I should say or I chicken out completely. I get a horrible feeling in my stomach and start to panic and get chest pains.

Same with my phone phobia. I just cannot phone anyone...but If I have to. It takes me a while to think what to say...

It could be some sort of Anxiety. But sadly...My parents Don't understand and see it as something else.

I cry easily also...

KitsuneSqueak

09-21-2008, 09:42 PM

A lot of stuff has happened since I posted here about my brother.

In short, I have anxiety, OCD, and possibly depression, which have led to a development of anorexia nervosa. I panic very easily, and the slightest problems can drive me crazy with stress. I find it extremely difficult to feel "truly happy," as I always have worries or thoughts at the back of my mind. I'm seeing a psychologist, a nutritionist, and a doctor every Monday, and I'm hoping I can at least recover from my anorexia and be happy again. @_@

snowfender

10-10-2008, 01:05 AM

these are kind of late, but i wanted to reply anyway. :sweat

I am clinically depressed. My mother thinks I'm just a normal girl and everything's a phase, but really, it's been going on for the past two years now. I get really depressed for no reason and just think it's others faults when - in actuality, they did nothing to me.

:hug i'm sorry. yeah, i know what you mean. my parents didn't know or understand when i was feeling at my lowest. and it sucks to have sudden anti-social moments randomly out of nowhere. i hope things are getting a little bit better for you <3

But I do believe there is hope. One of my other mental issues (Trichotillomania if anyone cares) has gotten much better after like ten years. I still take medication for my Anxeity and a few other things and see a psychiatrist every once in a while, but so far this semester I haven't missed class without a reasonable excuse, which is actually quite an accomplishment for me.

that's great! i'm glad things are getting better for you. and having hope can help you so much, so that's really awesome that you are improving so much in everything! =D :hug i hope things have been going well for you lately, because it sounds like everything was going pretty well for you. that's great! =D

People can't just force me to ask for stuff. I can't force myself. It usually takes a while to think what I should say or I chicken out completely. I get a horrible feeling in my stomach and start to panic and get chest pains.

aww :hug that must be tough, but i am sure you can overcome it. a lot of people don't really understand or feel that it's not that big of a deal, but it's okay to admit that you are having a hard time with doing things like talking on the phone. ease yourself into. and we are also here for you if you ever need it <3

In short, I have anxiety, OCD, and possibly depression, which have led to a development of anorexia nervosa. I panic very easily, and the slightest problems can drive me crazy with stress. I find it extremely difficult to feel "truly happy," as I always have worries or thoughts at the back of my mind. I'm seeing a psychologist, a nutritionist, and a doctor every Monday, and I'm hoping I can at least recover from my anorexia and be happy again. @_@

major hugs for you :hug i'm so sorry you have to go through all that, but it's good you're getting on the right track. keep on going- don't give up! =D i sort of went through anorexia as well so i know what kind of hell it is. don't give up though... it's really worth it in the end. <3 it just is so much less stress not having to be obsessed with your weight and what you eat.. and i know it's hard, but letting go of all those thoughts has been one of the best things ever. i'm sorry if i'm preaching, but i hope you recover well and if you ever need a friend you know we're all here for you. =) good luck with everything.

kt_rocks

10-10-2008, 09:03 PM

oh man... yeah. Anxiety disorder and a bit of depression.

It all started in 7th grade during spring break. My grandparents took me and my twin to England and France. We stayed in England for probably two days and I had learned the meaning of "jet lag." Maybe it's because I have always had plenty of sleep, but I wasn't used to it... That night, I didn't sleep like... at all... and the next day we went walking and in the busy (Metro???) was when it hit me. I was having a panic attack, though I didn't know it. It was like a suddenly wasn't real... a dream. It felt weird to move, it felt weird to see everything so busy and moving. I lost my family when I stopped because I was too afraid to move. Then I finally found my sister and I grabbed ahold of her arm and had her drag me to the train where I preceded to hold my head and rock back and forth like some crazy person, too afraid to answer my family's concerned questions. When we got back to the hotel, I slept and later told them that it felt like I was dreaming. They thought I had an A-typical migraine... ha! Well, I also do get migraines sometimes, though. Horrible ones. It's like I get a dot of tiny moving colors in my eyesight...and then it grows bigger and bigger until I can't see anymore. Then suddenly I get my vision back and my head is in HUMONGOUS pain.

Anyway, after that, my remaining years in Middle School were horrible! My mom wouldn't let me stay home, so I had to go to school and try to ignore it, but that didn't help, and I started having them for the majority of the day. (When I get panic attacks, I feel like I'm having a heart attack/going to die/going insane/dreaming) Finally, we decided it was time to seek for help. I talked to this one guy and he prescribed me to lexapro (which I recently found out is like the most addictive anti-depressant). And then I had to go to these therapy sessions which I absolutely HATED!

I'm probably different than other people in this aspect. I didn't want any help, I wanted to overcome this on my own. And overall, before having anxiety attacks, I had a pretty good life! It almost appeared out of nowhere. Anyway, the guy thought I was completely normal and let me out after like... 4 or 5 sessions.

Now I'm 18 and soooo much better. I used to be where, even if I had friends over, I couldn't handle it and had to hide in my room. It was scary for me to talk or even move. And now here I am, I did homestay with strangers last summer in Japan for six weeks! I'm still taking lexapro, though... and I am a bit afraid to stop. Whenever I forget to take it for 2 days, I get really dizzy and I can feel my mood drop. I guess it must be really addictive...

Other than that, I'm ready to start life and keep living happily!!! =3

And to everyone else who is going through similar problems, I hope you turn out well and can be happy!

The Kinda Mad

05-10-2009, 01:43 AM

I suffer from both Anxiety and Depression.

Through out the year I have small bouts of depression, which can last for a few months. I also suffer from heavy anxiety, which never goes away it seem's :(

I've been taking med's recently, which has helped me out alot :)

But still, it sucks to suffer under anxiety and depression....

AmyAnn

05-10-2009, 08:00 PM

With anxiety, I'm pretty bad with it. In school, I feel like people are staring at me when I speak to a teacher and this makes me turn bright red and get really nervous. The worst thing is that the teachers don't notice and they say things so loudly that it's impossible for others not to notice.
Also, I hate going into other classes. Even though this is my final year, I still hate going into classes were it's like...little kiddies [to me xD]. They just stare at you and then they have attitudes and say nasty stuff.
I've always had really bad self-esteem so it doesn't help.

Last year, I hit a big time low during summer which a few of my close friends know about. My grandpa died and then a few others I knew but weren't too close to. I went to Spain where my friend was rushed to hospital as they had suddenly became paralyzed and couldn't move the left side of their body. That got me in a panic. I got home and my mum went to Cornwall. She phoned dad to tell him to keep me off school and I thought it was just because I hadn't been feeling too well. Turned out that my nana had died earlier that night. Hearing the details was horrible for me.
Also, one of my closest friends was going through a really hard time and kept saying they were going to do things. It all pushed me to the limit and...let's just say that my best friend found me in the toilets at drama with something on my arm.

The thing is, I never spoke to anyone. I broke down in classes, snapped at everyone, locked myself away. However, a teacher at school noticed my behaviour and made me sit down with them. Didn't work.
My parents never found out because I stayed away from them alot and I never went to see a doctor although I should have. My friends were the main ones to help me out as well as a number of people here on the VAA.

I'm still going through my bad patches and stuff like breaking into tears with even the smallest pressures and feeling like I'm worthless and just a waste of space, but I owe alot to you guys and my closest friends for helping me pull through.

I love you guys ;~;

InuKun

05-30-2009, 09:47 PM

I think for me when I was diagnosed as being depressed, was the amusement in knowing that no matter how strong a dose of anti-depressant (even above recommended daily maximums), could never help ease the depression, and in many cases, such as with Welbutrin XL, the drug always had the opposing effect of making the depression even worse. Which is why the psychiatrist I had at the time wondered if anything outside anti-depressants could be more beneficial, so I now just take a Multi-Vitamin every day and hope for the best.

Being a pilot, I'm prohibited by the FAA from taking any anti-depressants or mood stabilizers as they point to a risk of wanting to kill myself whilst in control of an airplane (which at one point, I did have thoughts of crashing the plane into a field in the countryside (so as to avoid endangering others), but pushed the thought out because it wasn't my airplane and I didn't want someone else dealing with the costs).

I've had suicidal thoughts come and go from my mind since I was probably 13 (17 years ago), and whilst there were times I desired nothing more than my own death (believing that everyone would truly be delighted in knowing I was dead) I ended up chickening out at the last minute every time.

It also seems quite easy when I'm down to convince myself that everyone hates me, even though I know this not to be the case. There are some who hate me, but others who don't and I respect everyone's choice. But I just take every day one step at a time, and remind myself by looking at the fillet knife sitting next to my bed, that life is worth living.

Last time suicide popped in my head though, was 5 minutes ago. ^^

Jayn

05-30-2009, 11:03 PM

I have anxiety attacks often but...that's pretty much it. It's not even normally when I get really stressed. I get stressed often and I handel it passively. But when I get overly worked up about the things I'm stressed about, I end up having one. I normally have trouble breathing even so serverly that I may black out sometimes.

I get very paranoid though, but I've always been that way. I just feel like I'm going to die soon. Like, someone is out there plotting to kill me or someone's behind me with a knife or gun or something. And I always feel like someone is going to leave me. Just disappear or ditch me or die. I hate it. ><

I'm almost always depressed to keep my emotions at a low so I don't freak out. >:

Sera Phia

05-31-2009, 02:02 AM

God. A venting thread. Perfect.

My sister was depressed a few months ago. She's a stress-machine, perfectionist, cold-hearted and blunt, yet friendly once you get to know her. But because of stress from school (and this gene that runs in our blood), she got depressed. I know she's been helped out through that, and I just want to be there for her, and I am, even though I get these "I HATE YOUUU!" moments all the time when she's so mean to me. >.>

But now we're both best-of-sisters again, so that's all great...

But while she's going through her depressed stage, I was going through mine, too. Unlike her, who would scream out her feelings in broad daylight, I'd always keep it in and act happy the majority of the time. But, of course, a simple shove would send me overboard.

The reasons why are clear, though.

A) My older sister. She's perfect. Perfect grades and everything that I've wanted. Since we have the same interests, we have the same dreams, also -- especially writing. And everyone always acknowledges her over me, and they constantly recognize me as "Maria's sister" instead of me. And that pisses me off.

B) My friends. I live in a Happy-Go-Lucky class, which has the regular drama, yet never seems to encounter anything truly serious. Sometimes in school (much to my chagrin) I break down crying...sometimes for no reason at all. And my friends? Gone.

C) My family, in general. Mostly because of my older sister's stubborn-ness and my father's short temper, we ended up in a lot of fights. It became daily, even. I usually had nothing to do with it, but I was fed up being in the same room as them, fed up with screaming and yelling that I'd run up to my room and turn up the music as loud as possible.

Each problem was confronted slowly, though. First, my sister. When her problem was fixed, my own problem shone through. Our family had a nice 'family talk,' and they assured me that they'd always be there. Even that one particular teacher that was the one that always thought of me as "Maria's sister" talked to me about it.

And with that resolution, problem C also died down. I'm so happy, because my family gets along SO well now.

Problem B was fixed by me actually walking up to my friends and telling them what the hell was wrong. The answer to that was simple: they didn't know how to react. Which was reasonable, since I was pretty mature for my age.

Yeah, so now I'm fine and I'm thinking as positively as I can. Knowing the problem and confronting it is the best way to go -- at least in my case. I've always been a sensitive girl, affected by the littlest things. What motivated me was this book:

The Shack by William Young.

It's a Christian religious book, but not in the normal way. Basically a man whose daughter died was invited back to The Shack in which they found his daughter's body. There, he found God (Papa), Jesus, and Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) there, ready to heal his wounded soul. It was these words from the book that got me (sorry if they're not exact, the book's being borrowed right now):

Mac: "Jesus...I feel so lost."

Jesus: "I'm sorry it feels that way, Mac. But I am with you, and I am not lost. So hear me -- you are not lost."

Sorry for the wall of text, but I needed to get it off my chest. ^^

Sera Phia

05-31-2009, 02:07 AM

Sorry for posting again, but I needed to add a very very helpful quote from my (awesomely awesome) English teacher to this:

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation."

gahooly

06-05-2009, 09:04 PM

Wow, this is the first time I took a visit to the "To Be or Not To Be" section and this is what I found. Heh, well it seems like everyone experiences some form of anxiety and/or depression since the two do go hand in hand together.

In the past, I've experienced anxiety attacks from time to time. I would feel claustrophobic and find it hard to breathe and concentrate on anything but the fact that I'm panicking like an idiot for no apparent reason. So I would just find a place where I could be alone until I calmed down. And sadness eventually hits us all in different forms. I didn't really like going to see a doctor about it but a couple people in my family thought it would be best if I did. I never liked medication like Xanax; it only made me tired and zombie-like. Not a good look =P

I like to believe that we have enough power in ourselves to overcome our obstacles in life. Especially when it's in our minds. I found that meditating and exercising sustains a healthy body and brain. When we have very little to do, our brains begin to think too much and people tend to think negatively whether they want to admit it or not. Activity is good for the mind. Anyway, that's what works for me whenever I'm feeling down or upset.

princeroy

06-05-2009, 09:43 PM

Anxiety, eh? Well, my mom has had to deal with anxiety and depression, going through chemotherapy for cancer and whatnot, but the closest I ever got to it was worrying about her all the time. However, anyone who has to deal with or has dealt with this, I can at least sympathize with. All I can suggest is a loved one to have nearby.

Mizu_Takishima

06-30-2009, 07:14 AM

I just figured I'd mention I've been running into a lot of depression myself lately. Though for the longest time I thought I was depressed because of my own issues, (I won't get into those, but they still make me sad) but now I'm starting to think I was born with it..since I was reading that suicide-prevention site that was posted in the "I send my sincerest condolences to..." thread, I was looking at the symptoms for major depression (in adults, adolecents and even infants) and I was like...

"omg, this is my entire life story"

Granted people tend to be "omg so me!" when reading symptoms for stuff online, but...:???: le sigh

Minty

06-30-2009, 08:19 AM

Granted people tend to be "omg so me!" when reading symptoms for stuff online, but...:???: le sigh

Reminds me of first year Social Work - we had a couple of classes teaching us about mental illnesses, and almost all of us came out of those classes thinking we had bipolar or schizophrenia or depression, by the way it'd been described. They even warned us about it afterwards. It's always good to talk to a health practitioner if you have concerns - if only to try and find a way to help yourself get better.

Sorry for posting again, but I needed to add a very very helpful quote from my (awesomely awesome) English teacher to this:

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation."

Fantastically late reply, but since thread has been bumped ... Couple of quotes that always get me, about depression and suicide. There's that one, and also:

Imagine destroying an entire city to rid it of a single cockroach.

And the description, the last act of a free individual.

In that way, it really makes it sound like a wholly free and unrestrained choice (as in "it is up to you to decide whether to be permanently hurt by the last act of a free individual") - but others would tell you that we might not ever really know. What happens in someone's mind - their physiological system, or their emotions - that pushes them to suicide today, now, this time? Of course, people sometimes survive. Sometimes they're glad they have.

tenken2007

06-30-2009, 12:34 PM

Anyone feeling depressed, anxious, or looking to understand more about themselves should pick up this book:

Learned Optimism By Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D

Changed my life. :)

Minty

06-30-2009, 02:10 PM

Learned Optimism By Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D

I'm guessing that was his counter to (or result of) his own work on learned helplessness? =)

tenken2007

06-30-2009, 02:25 PM

Both. :) Hooray for the power of optimism!

RioDragon

06-30-2009, 02:47 PM

Personally, I deal with depression rather often and it can last for maybe a few hours to a few months sometimes. I don't really see antidepressants as some viable option, because the common side-effects for every one I've heard of is thoughts of suicide, which tells me they either don't work and are placebo, or they make you so happy you wanna kill yourself.

Personally, I'm the kind of person that just deals with it and acts perfectly fine so people don't worry.

( Note: I use 'personally' too much. x.x; )

Geekums

06-30-2009, 03:06 PM

Long time reader of this thread, but first time posting. I don't know why I'm just doing it now, but I guess I felt either embarrassed or something before about my anxiety. I never knew I had anxiety problems until a couple years ago when something happened on the TV that I saw and after a few moments of letting it sink in, my mind just BLEW it out of proportion. I don't really want to say what it was, cause I still feel a little embarrassed about talking about it to people (some people have laughed or got mad at me in past because it's a "silly" thing to go over).
ANYWHO: it would get really bad where I would try to go to sleep, but the image would replay and replay over and over to where I would get up and not know what to do. After that, the panic attack started where I would feel like I had to puke my stomach out and even lay on the floor gasping for air. A couple days before I got medicated I would dwell on the image and go through my days fearing the image. It was the craziest feeling I ever went through and I hope to golly I never have another attack.
I'm taking medication on one of the smallest doses so it's all good now, I don't really think about the thing I saw anymore, but if I do I just try to think of something else or sing a song I like lol. I might also feel anxious when seeing animatronics or puppets or roller coasters, but I try to think of something else or whatever. The medication really works well and I'm happy about it.
I DID come across this book which was AWESOME with dealing with anxiety (golly I forgot the name of it!) but it talked about when you're going through a panic attack that there's certain things you can do to stop:

1. Either close your eyes or focus on something around the room
2. Count from 10 to 0 very, very slowly.
3. Breathe deeply
4. Clench your fists together very tightly, and then let go (as if letting your fears go away)

^^ There were more tips on how to do it, but I lost the book so I forgot some lol -- but the techniques have worked for me.

This thread is an EXCELLENT way to cope with others about their disorders, and I love how everyone is willing to help each other when others aren't feeling so hot. It's important to talk to people (who ever it is!) about what's going on in your head sometimes. Thanks everyone for listening :D. :hug

(and to katite or however you spell your name, anxiety/depression/ext. are serious disorders and mess with you, people have different ways of coping and I wish you'd understand that other than banter them.)