A short story by me...

[Jing]

7/27/04

"A Date to Remember"


I was out walking, and out of nowhere, somebody came running and screaming out of the shadows. It was my friend,
Sakura, the girl that I had loved since grade school.
"Um... hi, Sakura-chan..." is what I said.
"Oh... Jing-kun!" She hugged me, crying. I held her.
We must have stood there for a good 20 minutes, because the Shiso Store manager's car had arrived there. He
always got there around 8:30 P.M.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I asked. She clenched me tighter.
"I... I..." She stopped. She couldn't tell me what had happened. I couldn't blame her. It must have been
something terrible.
"Are you hurt?" She looked at me funny. She smiled. I guessed she liked that I was worried about her.
"I'm not... physically at least. Emotionally, yes." said Sakura.
She let go of me. She looked up at me again. She didn't say anything. All she did was go sit on the bench
that was near where we were. I walked over to were she was and sat down beside her.
"Tell me what's wrong. Please... daijobu?" I said, in Japanese to calm her down.
"Hai. I'm okay. My father just yelled at me. Nothing really bad." said Sakura. Her eyes shimmered.
"You're lying. I can tell by your eyes. Please tell me what you're sad about!" She slapped me.
"You wanna' know? Okay... my boyfriend was pressuring me to do things. Now, leave me alone!" she yelled. She
got up and started to walk down the sidewalk. She fell. It looked like her ankle was twisted from the running she
did before she cam to me. I walked up to her.
"Need help?" I put my hand out. She slapped it away. I put it out again and said, "Here. Grab ahold. I'll
let you ride piggyback." She grab my hand and I picked her up onto my back.
"Ari..Arigato gozaimasu, Jing-kun...arigato..." whispered Sakura quietly. "I hope to have a boyfriend like
you someday." Her tears rolled down my shoulder. I didn't mind it. I couldn't really blame her.
We got to her house around 9:40 P.M. The walk was long. We didn't talk throughout the whole walk. I let her
off of my back. She walked into her house, but before I could turn around to walk home, she ran out and kissed me
right on the lips. We held it together for around 2 minutes. Then when we let go, she said:
"I'll see tommorow. Pick me up around 7 o'clock. I'll be here waiting, oniisan."
So, I'm her big brother. For some reason, I bet, she really likes me for her boyfriend. But I guess I got
the name for helping her on the date to remember...



I wrote this earlier while listening to "Electrical Communication" by Amuro.
It's set in Japan, so that's why it has SOME Japanese.

Critique? Should I continue this story?

[Amuro the Newtype]

Ah, that's awesome Jing! I'd like to believe this good writing came from my old song, but I doubt my song caused something this good.

If you continue, I'll definately try to keep reading. ^^

[alaofarda]

I like it...there is enough so that you understand the story, but enough room to let readers draw there own conclusions and get something individual out of it. It is beautifully written. Please keep writing!

[Aelf]

Do keep writing.
You could even develop more of the feelings, smells, etc, to create another layer of sympathy and depth of the charater's feelings towards the girl, so the ending is even more poignant. That's only my interpretation, as Alaofarda said, there's enough there for the reader to get something out of it as it is.
Very touching story. I like. :)

[Jing]

Thank you guys. I guess that I WILL continue the story. Look for this and Detective Yuki in the near future. Please... read both. [spoiler:6d9e2f7494]You never know if they will go into the same story. They might combine later on.[/spoiler:6d9e2f7494]

Read both "Jing's Awakening" and "Detective Yuki." They will be good... hopefully. I need recommendations on both stories... so please post it here in this thread or send me a P.M. THANKS!